if you are one of the many people who came here looking to look at me in my outfits go to http://whykikiwhy.blogspot.com/

Wednesday, December 26

Christmas Dinner turned out a treat, I forget that I'm actually capable of making quite lovely meals when I pay attention and follow recipes, except Mother kinda ruined dessert she bought some hideous low fat flavour free chocolate swirl ice cream, which went well with anything.

But alls well that ends well, there is barely any leftovers to pack away or clean up but still a little Sangria and Caddyshack on the T.V

This is how Jesus would of wanted it.

Tuesday, December 25

Christmas 2007

Well I'm officially moving into a cute lil' terrace house in my beloved Marrickville.

It's Christmas Eve and I'm watching some horrid made for TV movie a modern take of a Christmas Carol with Tori Spelling, Gary Coleman and William Shatner..

I have to stay up and watch it as I have to stay up late tonight to cook Christmas dinner as Mother decided at 4pm Cristmas eve that I would be hosting Christmas Dinner at my house and that Deryn would be driving down to Sydney to eat and then flee back home to make breakfasts for hungover millionaires on Boxing Day.

With no notice and a hurried shouted out shopping list to my mother over the phone in a low reception area Christmas will be as follows.

Vichy Carrots
My Roast Potato Salad.
Blanched Green Beans with Almonds
Roast Leg of Lamb with a balsamic and mint sauce
Roast Pork with an Apple Hazlenut Stuffing and Apple/Hazlenut Butter Sauce
Christmas Icecream (packaged pudding and booze mixed through ice-cream)
Fresh fruit and Brandy Custard

It's not bad for a few hours planning and using the crap in my cupboard, let's hope it works out...

It did however throw a spanner in the works as it has totally fucked up my plan of getting stoned whilst watching musicals all day.

Family... bah humbug!

At least National Lampoon Christmas will be on so there is a positive, it is one of the great Christmas Movies out there.

Thursday, December 20

Too much stuff

I have put a deposit on a cute lil terrace house lets see if they approve me

I have almost got a new job

I'm tired and poor,

apart from that it's all pretty good

more information as it happens

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Friday, December 7

Why oh why is it when I have no money (well not enough to justify the postage) is the dress I have been lusting over for months on sale for this week only at 50% off?

On the plus side I did make preserved lemons and limes today and I think they will be an absolute treat and actually turn out the way I have intended and not like my strawberry jam/ overcooked strawberry syrup.

I am really wanting to do some more preserving, I am jonesing for some fetta in fancy flavoured oil mmmm fetta. Ok I'm really just jonesing to be a housewife that makes preserves all day, in between my bridge games and my daily romps with various tradesmen... mmm tradesmen

I have had some really odd pre-period cravings this last week I have been desperate for 'Sweet and Sour pork' not something well done but that gawdawful cheap version made out of battered pork pieces deep fried and coated in an almost toffee like fluorescent red sweet and sour sauce and some slivers of onion for show, Still every where I have been to this last week has seemed not to have it on the menu, probably lucky for me that they didn't I feel like I could inhale a whole bloody bathtub of the stuff right now.

Now how to get the dress without spending any money? It's much harder to shoplift from online stores.

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Friday, November 30

Got me right down to a tee, or is that T?

read this

Fat girls are like zombies. They have no purpose but to infect all others with their fatness.

If you know me personally then you would be laughing quite loudly, thinking to yourself "Kimberly? Get Married? but she's a bit of slut who can't stand anyone sharing her spotlight, plus she's not very attractive, intelligent or good in bed"


I do have a confession,

I do want to get married one day.


I know, I know and you are probably thinking why on earth would someone like me want to get married and I have only one answer to give plain and simple.

It's the cake, I mean your wedding is the only time in your life really where you can have a three tiered cake with a mini statuette of yourself without looking like an absolute wanker, you can be annoying and have a cake with different flavoured layers, and people will line up for hours just to have a slice. If I could have a three tiered cake at my next birthday I wouldn't be thinking like a crazy person and want to get married, If I could get a three tiered cake with my flat white at the local cafe I would be a happy chappy indeed and not be one of these marriage obsessed 'fat girls'

I'm guessing that's why so many girls enter into marriage, for the cake.

I'm guessing that's why so many people divorce too, so that they can re-marry and have more cake.

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Wednesday, November 28

Status update

I'm tired, waay too tired, I have to defer Uni for a while next year, I have to get a full time job, there is no way possible that I can afford to live in Sydney, maintain my obligations and Attend Uni full time on my current income and the condition of the scholarship I'm under means I can only do this thing full time or not at all and I don't qualify for any other funding sooo...

I'm looking for a full time job, I'm thinking I might keep with my polling job and find another phone job I'd really like a job that I could wear slippers to.

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Sunday, November 25

Yay it's New PM Day!

I honestly didn't think it would happen but it did, it really did a new Prime Minister

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Friday, November 23

Tuesday, November 6

Where have I been?

I haven't been able to pay for my phone bill, and won't be able to for some time yet (so no internet from home) so while I'm away will you promise to imagine me in a series of sexy adventures with my hair all tousled by skin glistening with perspiration and my top two buttons undone?

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Thursday, October 11

Dillemma #498632

I hate dilemmas especially ones that involve me and money and carrots that are being dangled in front of me that look like wads of much needed cash.

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Wednesday, October 10

Big Day Out 2008: Part One - tickets obtained.

I have spent the last of my money on 'Big Day Out' tickets it's already sold out and it took my brother a helper (my darling Boo) and myself all sitting in a virtual queue for a couple of hours to make sure we got tickets and we did so I am now happy. If there's something I like it's an opportunity to get inebriated in a large crowd and listen to a whole heap of music.

woot! now I just need me a sugar daddy to keep me in this lifestyle of being inebriated constantly and travelling from festival to festival.

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Monday, October 8


There's a sense of smug self satisfaction when an ex-boyfriend sends you a late night message declaring that he still wants you.

I haven't paid my mobile phone bill so I couldn't respond, it's a good thing because I can spend some time crafting a touching yet witty response that will leave him feeling better about himself, instead of my usual response when an ex calls of "fuck off! I'm married you've just woken the kid! but yeah we should do coffee some time"

It's nice to know that exes think about me, it means two good things about me a) that I'm great in bed and b) my personality is not so annoying that it counteracts my walnut cracking pelvic floor muscles.

P.S. I have never placed walnuts into my 'corporate box' and I don't recommend you to do it either but I'm assuming that I can crack walnuts based solely on what I can do to ping pong balls.

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Friday, October 5

What is Octsober?

Now if you are a friend of mine on the facebook (and checked my profile on occasion) you would of noticed I am currently celebrating 'Octsober' a new holiday on the Kimberly-lives calendar, it's my first year of celebrating (as I just made it up last month) and there are some rules that I have to stick to in order to get the best out of Octsober.

- No alcohol is to be consumed during 'Octsober' (convieniently held over the month of October)

I did make a slight exception with this rule as I'm allowed to taste test the hooch i have been making with these and also they barely made three percent alcohol

- If I am seen with an alcoholic drink then I have to purchase two alcoholic drinks for everyone who spots me with booze.

- I am not to consume any illicit substances

- I am not to consume any wheat products or white rice or refined sugar

I have to start being a good girl again, I'm drinking far too much and eating the bad foods that make me sleepy so it's kind of like a detox but with a cooler name, I mean 'Octsober' that is freakin' gold that is.

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Thursday, September 27

Lessons in Jam Making.

When multiplying a recipe you should use mathematics not your eyes.

If you don't have the appropriate equipment to make jam don't wing it with empty soft drink bottles.

Pectin is your friend, and if you are making a non citrus based jam you should always extra on hand.

Anyways I have now three huge jars of strawberry syrup instead of jam, I might have a fiddle around with them to see if I can thicken them further but the syrup at least is mighty fine syrup, and makes a really nice cordial with some lime and soda water and perhaps could add it to my cider making experiment at the moment (did I tell you guys I'm into making booze out of juice at the moment?)

I also missed out on Rage Against the Machine tickets... they sold out in minutes this morning, I only blame my brother...

well at least there are scalpers and they wouldn't rip me off now would they?

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Monday, September 24

What should I do?

because they were on special I just bought me five kilograms of strawberries, I plan on spending my Thursday making a hell of alot of preserves, so please don't be surprised if you get something strawberry like for Christmas.

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Saturday, September 22

Since I've been gone

I wish I could regale you all with my patented wacky adventures but alas, since I last posted nothing much has happened to me well nothing of note that I can remember, OK a few things of note have happened but nothing that involved me throwing up on people or pashing strangers (well not that I can remember) so I can't really really provide you the interesting material that you come to know and love here on 'Kimberly-Lives'

I made a new friend, she rocks, I went to a protest, I went to a couple of festival thingies, I handed in assignments I got one assignment completely wrong and I have to re-do it, and I'm at another Kimberly crossroads in my life and I don't know what to do.

I'm still absolutely poor, luckily everything I have been doing of late has been free, or cheap or paid for by other people. Oh well I have picked up extra shifts these holidays so hopefully I can be back in the black.

Gah! what I do need is alcohol

Free Alcohol.

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Friday, September 14

Wednesday, September 5

Aint APEC grand?

The following has been circulating around Sydney (friend emailed to me), I have a few more of them but they aren't nearly as interesting, all this hullabaloo for some old birds.

Spouses of APEC Economic Leaders to dine at Icebergs Dining Room and Bar.
Sunday 9 September - Special Traffic arrangements from 7am to 4pm:
- The Bondi Cliff Walk will remain open.
- Residents of Notts Avenue can still walk or drive to and from their homes, however, vehicle access will not be possible for short periods of time between 7am and 4pm.
- Special Event Clearways will be established on both sides of the following roads:
� Campbell Parade, between Francis Street & Lamrock Avenue
� Notts Avenue, between Campbell Parade & Hunter Park
� Syd Enfield Drive, between York Road & Old South Head Road
- Members of Bondi Icebergs Club can access their pool as normal, but the pool will not be open to the public until 4pm.
- Bondi Icebergs Club to be closed until 4pm on Sunday 9 September
- If you are having guests to your home to watch the Festival of the Winds, please let them know in advance that they will not be able to park at your home and to consider public transport. You will need to escort your guests to your home and vouch for your guest. Residents will be asked to provide identification.

I think I'm going to attend the protest, I'm not really "Anti-Bush" (I'm not for him but I wish all these bloody protesters would focus on the other things that we need to be protesting for like the Kyoto Protocol and the whatnot and not on a "We hate George. W, we think he should not be allowed in our country" tirade) but I am pro-big crowds and and pro watching dreadlocked angry socialist hippies being sprayed by high powered water cannons.

I am so going to lefty hell for thinking that, I am a lefty I swear I just am not very far left, it smells over there.

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Tuesday, September 4

I don't like to complain... but

OK I love to complain, it gives me something to do, and right now I have a few things to complain about, OK it's just one thing.

I am now officially the poorest I have ever been since I can't remember when, I have eaten through my meagre savings my bills keep on getting bigger and bigger.

In order to save money, I am not leaving my house for anything other than work or university... oh and parties I have already R.S.V.P'd to

The worst thing about all this is that Threadless.com is having a ten dollar sale until tommorrow and I have no money on my credit card.

Woe is me! a new t-shirt would cure all that ails me.

P.S. Deryn! I'm usually a L-XL in the guys shirts, you could get me a girls XL but I usually find them too short and boob distorty

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Monday, September 3

Days like today

Yesterday was (dead) Fathers Day... which sucks because my father is dead and everyone else's father seems to be live and kicking and giving them money.

But as of a few minutes ago it is Deryn's (he's my brother) birthday, and that rocks because his birthday is also my half birthday, so right now I'm officially 23 and a half! in six months time I will be 24 and officially stuck in the mid twenties, which sucks but I will also be a (in my opinion) seductive older woman and not the giggly teeny bopper I am at the moment.

Because I think that something magical happens on your 24th birthday that makes you instantly cooler.

That makes me sound like a nut when I type it out like that.

But you are reading my blog, you should of established that several entries ago.

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Wednesday, August 29

Why me?

I am too busy to write, too tired to write there is far too much boring stuff I am swamped with there are some "more interesting" things I am swamped with but they really don't concern you dear my anonymous reader.

I am poor beyond belief and I think they have cut off my mobile phone, I forgot about the whole paying bills every month thing, so if I don't respond to Sms' my apologies but I am poor and will be for a while yet.

Will keep you posted on my poverty, well I'll try to but if my net gets cut off too it may be a little tricky.

Curse my desire to purchase random pieces of crap, to fill the void where my heart should be.

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Sunday, August 19

I love...

I am so in love with my future Prime Minister right now.

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Tuesday, August 14

I need your help!

Deryn (that's my brother folks) and I have been in talks and we have decided that we have to go to the good ol U.S of A to attend this

I may or may not be able to go but I'm going to die to make sure my little brother gets there, no ifs or buts about it.

That's where I need help because I don't really want to die just yet, can you guys lend me some money or if you have a house in Las Vegas that would be really nice if you could lend it to my brother, he's tall and he's a chef, and did I mention he's tall?

It's a week off uni and a lot of money but I can't see any other reason why I can't go and do this, I mean Iggy and the Stooges and Rage Against the Machine, and Public Enemy! I am ever so wetting myself right now.

Now I wonder if airlines let you pay off fares by washing dishes?

Does anyone want to come with me? apart from always borrowing money of you, I'm a whole heap of fun!

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Tuesday, August 7

Splendour in the Grass: In Summary

It freakin rocked the proverbial casbah!

My period started on the first day

Then at the gates I realised I had forgotten my i.d.

But I batted my eyelids and managed to get in.

I barely slept all weekend, and when I did I didn't do it well, thank goodness for drugs and organic dark chocolate filled doughnuts.

I consumed more doughnuts than drugs I must say.

I consumed more doughnuts than oxygen at splendour.

I consumed more soup than doughnuts at splendour.

Oh apparently there was some music too.

I spent an awful lot of time drinking goon in the carpark with my brother and his friends.

I also spent an awful lot of time in the carpark looking after my brother after he passed out after consuming too much goon in the carpark.

I spent an awful lot of money

I spent around twenty hours in a rental van.

I spent several hours boiling water for coffee every morning only to find out when leaving the camp-site that there was a public urn on the camp-site that was free to use.

I purchased an awful lot of plastic jewellery.

I spent an awful lot of time bulldozing through crowds either to get closer to the stage or further away from it.

I spent ten minutes today trying to remove my admission bracelet.

Operator Please, Old Man River,Tilly and the Wall, The Herd, The Cat Empire, Sarah Blasko, Hot Chip, Cut Copy DJ's, Holly Throsby, Josh Pike, Hot Chip DJ's, Hoodoo Gurus, Dirty Three, The Shins and The Artic Monkeys are who I got to see.

I will so be back next year. It took me several hours sitting at my computer to get the tickets but I'm so glad I did.

Friday, August 3

My Splendour Bender: Part One

Tomorrow I leave for "Splendour in The Grass" (from now on will be referred to as "Splendour")


We have to leave early to pick up the van we have hired for the weekend, Mum is driving me and Boo to My Brother Deryn and he takes us the rest of the way.

I plan on being well and truly out of it this weekend, and because the caravan park has wireless access I may even be able to keep you posted about how wasted I am.

Ok, probably not.

I'm trying to sleep now but I can't because I keep on thinking I want another cup of hot chocolate, the hot chocolate has ruined me, for several months I had been good and not eating the bad foods that make me all bloaty but yesterday after my hot chocolate I felt like a biscuit so I had one, which led to two more biscuits, which led to me eating a toasted cheese sandwich and I plan on eating more wheat, right now I'm thinking about something with a flaky buttery pastry shell accompanied by a big mug of hot chocolate.

Ooh! they have a spiced version.

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Thursday, August 2

The way to a girls heart.

The best way to win a girl over is to wine her, to dine her and to pretend to be interested in her conversation.

However the best way to win me over is with personalised number plates, candy cigarettes and thishot chocolate mix

I had a cup of it with Deryn and it was almost the consistency of ganache, neither of us could finish our cups.

I am ruined right now

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Sunday, July 29


So I have spent the whole weekend working my arse off

Shutup! I know I have an awful lot of arse to work off it's a fucking metaphor, but yes I am aware of my giant derrière.

I needs the money and "Splendour in the grass" is next weekend.

I have no money and I need a lot of it by Friday to pay for van hire, camp-site, drugs, food, souvenirs, alcohol

Curse my inability to save and plan ahead.

I just found an unexplained slip in my letterbox saying I have a package waiting for me, I have not purchased anything off the Internet for a few weeks so I'm wondering if I'm so possessions obsessed that I am now logging onto Ebay in my sleep and buying cowboy boots, whilst not good for my bank balance it's pretty cool if you think about it.

That or my bills are so big and cumbersome now that they no longer fit in my letterbox.

I hate surprises when I don't know about them beforehand... Ok I actually love surprises but I like to be the one surprising people.

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Thursday, July 26

This is why...

This is why you need to exfoliate regularly people.

Otherwise this will be you

a tad distracted

I'm supposed to be in class right now. I woke up nice and early battled peak hour commuters, and slow trains and got here with seven minutes to spare.

I Rule!

Except when I double check my timetable to find out that my lecture today doesn't start for five more weeks, another day wasted.

I must admit I have been a little distracted of late, I am giving far too much thought to certain people right now, and it's affecting my day to day life.

The worst thing about my distractedness today is I could of watched all of Kochie and Mel .

Tuesday, July 24

Nobody Noticed.

Nobody noticed my nice boobies today.

However it was counteracted by some young students thinking I was only eighteen, and when I said I was twenty-three they were genuinely shocked... I know how weird is that, but I must say I'm looking mighty good at the moment, or my make-up is at least.

Monday, July 23

what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas

Saturday I went after work to a going away party, as it was technically my last day of the booze-a-palooza known as my holidays I thought I would go hard, and hard I did.

I apparently made out with someone at Vegas, someone with a girlfriend, but all I can remember is playing with somebodies ear (confession: I have a thing for boys ears) oh well if I can't remember it, it does not exist... right?

It's very funny for the sheer fact that I never get drunk and pash random guys in bars, I'm the sort of person who gets drunk and then makes fun of those people who make out in bars (I am often heard yelling at couples dry humping on pub couches "Get a fucking room or at least go into a toilet cubicle") it's pretty bloody tacky in my opinion (I'm not a public display of tongue related affection kind of girl), but now I'm one of those losers.

I'm not saying I haven't made out with people in public, but I was on pills at the time (so was he) and I would of made out with a telegraph pole (so would he) if given the chance that night.

Lets hope this was a one off show... How do you pub sluts do it?

I'm assuming that this blog is popular with the 'Pub Slut' Community.

Sunday, July 22

I thought I was

I thought I was hungover.

I'm actually still drunk! at midday

details when I get home... I'm in a net cafe right now

Saturday, July 21

What an age we live in!

I just did my tax return in bed, wearing only a pair of hot pink cotton underwear and an old yellow beach towel that I spilled red nail polish on wrapped around my head, whilst talking to Babs about the catastrophe that is the male species and alcohol I could not of gotten away with that at H&R Block.

I love you technology

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alcohol = band-aid

There are too many drunk photos of me on facebook, there would be more except I don't think people can remember my name (thank god!)

This however has not deterred me from drinking tonight, I'm in an absolute shit of a mood and I have needed to drink a lot these last few weeks to forget about the source of my shitty mood.

At work we are right now conducting surveys on behalf of a multi-national-weight-loss-conglomerate, the exact same conglomerate that will be using me in their commercial as "depressed fat girl on the beach" so technically they are paying me twice, but also has me more concerned as when a company starts doing market research (especially with our company) it means that they are going to bombard the media in the near future with advertising and promotions, which means my arse is going to be out there a lot, which if it happened whilst I was drunk would be fine (being mooned by me is one of the top ten things to do in Sydney list as voted by tourists) but me on your television during dinner every night for three months might be a tad scary.

I think I'll be drinking more in the future.

Wednesday, July 18


It's so freakin' cold! I have to go collect course schedules but bed and duvet/doona are so much warmer, I should also clean my flat and do some laundry and buy some groceries and all in all be a mature responsible adult, but recent evidence (a.k.a my life) has indicated I really am a five year old child with a fondness for gin.

Saturday Night I went to a housewarming of a friend with my beloved Boo, I consumed alot, I woke upon Sunday in the doorway with lots of miscellaneous little scratches on my body, was thinking and I shouldn't combine flu medication with hard liquor, but a dripping nose is so annoying while drinking.

Or maybe I should stop the drinking whilst I'm sick? but of course it is the coldest winter on record here in Sydney and I have to keep on drinking in order to keep my body alive... right?

note: Alcoholics can justify anything

I better go get my schedules and timetables.

Does anyone want to go see some comedians tonight?

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Monday, July 16

Is it a Bird? Is It a Plane? No it's Super Brother!!!

I needed a hug today and as soon as I get home my brother is on my doorstep with one for me, I'm so lucky to have a brother like him.

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Friday, July 13

I shaved my armpits for this?

Earlier this week I had an audition for a commercial for one of those multi-national weight loss conglomerates and yesterday I found out I got the part of the 'fat girl who walks along the beach in her bathers' which was fine, I have modelled in a lot less clothing before so wearing a swimsuit would be absolutely fine...


It's winter, the shoot was at seven am this morning and did I mention it was winter?

Anyways look out for my cellulite on a television near you (if you happen to be in Australia or NZ) in the upcoming months

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Thursday, July 12


Music will soothe the savage beast. I needs to dance

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Just what I need

Yay, 'In the Company of Men' is on television, whenever I watch it, it reinforces that belief I have that men are arseholes.

Now I'm off to break some balls

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Stupidity: Version 1247

I just got me a big order of t-shirts on threadless granted half the order is for Deryn, but when it comes to novelty t-shirts I'm easily swayed.

Anyways paying rent in full and on time is for suckahs!

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Wednesday, July 11

I had the oddest dream last night, I was sitting at a table talking about my engagement ring (apparently I was engaged) everyone was gushing over it, but when i looked at it it was a shard of china (ceramic not he country) suspended on a piece of wire, and I was eating Larabars (they are these delicious organic food bars you can only get in the U.S and no mention was made of my alleged fiancée, but I was all excited about the zombie theme for my wedding.

I'm blogging this because I have nothing really to say today, and it's an odd dream for me and I keep on thinking about it, and also I so want a Larabar right now

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What Ifs

I daydream far too much.

And of late they have been becoming far too elaborate, my life is full of far too many 'What ifs' I spent all shift thinking about how bad or unfortunate my timing is.

I need to focus, new semester soon, Splendour in the Grass soon, hot and sexy man with millions of dollars and low standards moving next door soon.

Wait. reality. deep breath. focus Kimberly

Monday, July 9

The Kimberly of Yore

I used to be worse, I used to be a lot louder, I used to be aggressive, I used to be much more demanding, I was scathing with my insults and I got away with it all.

I don't know what happened but slowly I became nicer, friendlier, I smiled more often and now I look at myself and the way people are treating me and I'm getting walked all over, OK I just feel like this today, but I have a feeling I will feel the same tomorrow. And OK I have probably been encouraging this behaviour.

Maybe I should start getting back to the old Kimberly who was loud, arrogant who stomped her feet and got her own way, I need things to start going my way.

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Saturday, July 7

Lessons Learned while on my two week holiday from reality. a.k.a Bedridden and when not bedridden overcompensating with partying

1) I'm still hot
2) That I will never ever fear being attracted to any of my darling friend Boo's beaux as they are all an 'acquired' taste (I say this Boo as you my darling are the only person who reads this and you already know what I think about your taste in boys and I just want it on record)
3) Even though I'm very easy to get drunk, It's very hard to actually get me to passed out and date rapeable much to to the dismay of Taxi drivers at 6:30am.
4) I'm still hot
5) I gravitate to the computer a lot when I'm out of it (I suppose it's the modern day equivalent of being a loud opinionated drunk instead I drink and blog)
6) I need to find a partner or a maid at least, I'm pathetic while sick and my flat is a testament to that.
7) I am still in awe of the the magic of quality make-up when it's applied by a professional (a.k.a me) it can hide so many flaws caused by sins.


why is it that only taxi drivers at six am find me attractive?

I swear no one else does.


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Friday, July 6

Welcome Back!

On Wednesday I won tickets to a show, I got drunk beyond belief and I haven't left bed since (except for meals).

Now I'm out of bed, and back to reality.

Did you miss me?

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Monday, July 2

I'm not dumb, I just look that way

OK so I don't think I'm that smart, but I did this all by myself and I'm sick to boot, I'm happy my brain isn't melting yet, you should give it a go it's a good way to waste five maybe ten minutes, and it makes you slightly more well versed on what's going on in the Middle East without actually reading any of those boring news articles.

Sunday, July 1

It hurts to live.

It hurts to live....

I'm really quite sick and my body is now getting all ouchy, and one of the main foods I have been existing on is my own phlegm.

Still having my delirious marriage fantasies, are there any takers? I'm a cheap date, I can survive on my own phlegm... now how about a kiss?

And because I am one some stupid unprocessed wheat-free, sugar-free, caffeine-free flavour-free diet I have no fun sick people food to eat like ice cream and peanut butter and snickers bars, Or my favourite my fathers magic brown drink, it contained lemon juice, honey, lemon zest, aspirin, scotch or brandy and topped with boiling water it was the bestest and I never can get the ratios right (I suspect Father kept the alcohol content quite high in order to keep us drunk and not complaining about having a cold) but I don't have any scotch in the house, and I can't speak so I can't even call mother to pick some up and she doesn't know how to read text messages. GAH!

Father used to also check the progress of our colds by making us smell the vanilla essence bottle if we couldn't smell the vanilla we were still sick, and when our eyes were watering because inhaled vanilla and alcohol into our sinuses we were obviously better, in really bad pain, but healthier.

Ooh I forgot I think the bottle shop delivers (Marrickville Rocks!), can you drink alcohol with cold and flu tablets?

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Saturday, June 30

temorarily insane I hope

I think I'm delirious I have only consumed six strawberries, a bottle of flat sugar-free lemonade and a whole heap of pain-killers and cold and flu vitamins and I have been in bed for the last twelve hours, not sleeping because I can't really breathe but in some sort of daze highlighted by random coughing fits and my throat slowly swelling shut. The worst part however is the fact that I'm having elaborate fantasies involving me getting married and having several kids and being rather happy that I did so.

Lets hope it is temporary, very very temporary.

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Friday, June 29

I just coughed up something

It's all blerghy and it's coloured with all the ugliest traits of green and yellow, and my body seizes up every time I cough.

Serves me right I suppose for my heathen lifestyle and the impure thoughts I've been having of peanut butter of late.

Mmm peanut butter, honey and a sprinkling of nutmeg on warm,freshly baked baguettes.

CRAP! now I'm having wheat fantasies.

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Thursday, June 28


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Is it wrong

Is it wrong to really really want to eat peanut butter out of the jar, in fact just eat a whole jar of peanut butter, all by myself for breakfast while watching bad morning television?

I have an urge to do so, that's bad Kimberly! that's very naughty, you are a bad, bad girl, you need to be spanked... now assume the position.

umm err I think that was my subconscious, I obviously need peanut butter, and a good spanking apparently.

I just went to the cupboard, I don't have any peanut butter GAH!

Wednesday, June 27

Um err I um, I might of been a little drunk last night, I managed to get an invite to a British India show at the Annandale, decided I also wanted to see improv comedy as well (I like the improv comedy) so went and saw some of that too, I dragged my darling Boo out into the cold and we drank and laughed and we drank and then we drank and then we went to Maccas, and boo being the darling she is ate the bread off my burgers so I wouldn't get sick, I loves her ever so much.

I think I'm still a little drunk.

dancing with myself

where are trhe americnjanos when yuou are drunk and horny????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Just went out with boo, we got very drunk and I got very drunker, just got home and AI want to ewat lots and lots fo breeatd . Tuesdays rochk the fucking cashbahhik!

keyboad keeps on moving keep still dan=mmit, three dollars get out o here!

woot I need a burger or twi

I ne ed gto

P.S> I love uyou bvooo!

Tuesday, June 26

The other day

The other day I saw a crow swoop onto a pigeon, fight with it and take it's head clean off, I was just thinking about it and that sort of thing isn't the kind of thing you see every day (unless you breed pigeons and crows for some sort of extreme to-the-death cock fights) this was all happening about a couple of metres in front of me and all I was thinking as I was fumbling in my pocket for my camera was this would get so many hits on YouTube.

I am the future, isn't that a reassuring thought?

Sunday, June 24

Number One in the Hood!

Whilst he was here "The Americano" introduced me to this little t.v. show called "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" he also introduced me to throwing up on strangers OK he may not of been technically responsible for it but he was there at the time, and I have never thrown up in public before that so in my head he seems to be the cause. Anyway the point of the story is that I really enjoyed the show and yesterday whilst I was grocery shopping I saw the first season D.V.D. and spent a good ten minutes deliberating if food this week was really that important.

Of course D.V.D won and now I'm hungry, Ok I have plenty of food at home I just like fresh food, and I like having a fridge full of Haloumi, which won't happen this week, so I'm slumming it with Tofu. Blergh! OK it's not that bad I like tofu and I make the most divine Salt and Pepper Tofu (it's like the squid only more tofuey and much cheaper)

Mother is visiting now she brought carrot cake, I told her that I can't eat carrot cake or any other cake and haven't been doing so for several months.


Are you on a diet?

Technically yes.

Oh Honey! you've lost weight too!

yes I have.

Honey, if you lose weight I will love you more.


Yes Honey?

You have it wrong, it's 'I would love it , if you lost more weight'

Really? oh OK, you want some cake?

Now I'm going to curl up with some tofu and watch some ATHF.

Thursday, June 21

wrecked and ruined

On Monday, Brother and I finally signed the last of the bloody documents...

The "Dead Dad Estate" looks like it's finally settled, I'm happy...ish

It was good going up to Newcastle, seeing Deryn and looking at the "Pasha Bulker" wreck on Nobby's Beach,

If you don't know about the Pasha Bulker click here.

And look at the mobile phone photo I took

It's funny there were hundreds of tourists all lined along the road, looking and taking photos of the wreck, and apparently it gets even more crowded at night because it's all lit up and gorgeous, they all want to get their photos taken in front of it before they repair her and she leaves.

The photo does not show how huge the boat is, it really is a massive site, and it's all on a beach I have been to hundreds of times.

I in my typical tasteless style wanted to get a photo of Deryn and me in front of the wreck, Deryn in his typical "Anti-whatever-Kimberly-wants-to-do" style disagreed but he obliged me with a cheesy "myspace-style" self portrait.

We were both cute kids, that had a really hideous adolescence, but I think my brother and I might turn out to be tolerable adults.

But yeah Deryn and I are getting slightly more attractive and the estate is settled, It's not much but I am at a pretty happy place right now, now where's the man who wants to marry me?

Sunday, June 17


�noun, plural -ties for 2.
the state, quality, or fact of being stupid.
a stupid act, notion, speech, etc.

So on Friday night, after work I go to another friends birthday party and drag along my dear friend Boo, because she needs to party too, and I'm having a great time dancing to the cheesiest music, anyways the night tapers off and I check my phone and am shocked to find a lewd sms by the ex we know on here as "Rocky" so anyways, I respond with a nice "how are you" and the text messages taper off as the night winds down, I taxi it home then I pass out in bed.

The next morning I get woken by my phone ringing, it's "Rocky" wanting to chat, which leads to an invitation for drinks, which makes me all curious as to why he is contacting me now a year since we were together and also I want my copy of "1984" back so I agree and head to Newtown for a couple of hours...

I started on diet coke, which turned into beer, my leaving time went from seven pm to one am, we just talked but I know he wants me (mainly because he said it to me). But I don't know if I'm tempted enough. I'm hoping my slight level of temptation was alcohol related.

I'm stupid aren't I?

Friday, June 15

nothing to say, staying up late reading net comics.

click here

now laugh

Wednesday, June 13

I have nothing to say other than other than I am addicted to Facebook now, if you are on there go join the group 'The Farce Side' it's has more great cartoons like the one above by my friend Nib, and then add me as a friend so I can stalk you on yet another networking site.

Sunday, June 10


OK the title sounds desperate and in many ways I am desperate...

OK I'm not really desperate but I have just been out all night dancing the night away and I am ready to jump and maul the nearest human being.

So help me people where does one find someone who doesn't mind being mauled at 5am on a Sunday morning? I am willing to pay***

***Payment would be made in compliments or preserves or a combination of both, to be used within six months of said mauling

Thursday, June 7

feeling like a girl

I must be ovulating or something, I'm gooey and sentimental at the moment, I saw some parts of the telemovie 'Anne of Green Gables- The Sequel' on the T.V. and started getting all gooey over my childhood fantasies that involved me and Gilbert Blythe and him confessing his undying love for me while dying of typhoid (as was the style in those days) which led me to thinking about all the other L.M. Montgomery books I had read (a quick Google made me realise I had read them all) but in particular this one little romantic tale that I used to read it's in the novel "The Golden Road" anyways there is this one chapter that make me all gooey whenever I read it, it's meant to be written by the point of view of a thirteen year old girl who is a precocious story teller, but I read it again last night and was a blubbering mess.

Anyway I want you to read it and tell me that it is worthy of my uterine contractions. it's only five mins I assure you.

Let me present to you "The Love Story of the Awkward Man"

I'm such a suck

Sunday, June 3

Deryn wants to move to Armidale

Mother is planning on moving back to San Francisco

In the meantime I will be here in Sydney

We will all be a considerable distance apart from each other which a good thing politically, OK I'm not pissed off about Mum going back to America, I like her a lot more when she is overseas, and it means I can use visiting her as an excuse when I go to Tijuana on drinking binge holidays.

I am however pissed off about Deryn, he should move to Sydney with me and cook stuff for me on demand, not go further away and cook stuff for other people on demand.

OK I am more pissed off with me because I'm at a crossroads and have been tempted to change courses (yet again) and go back to my original plan of teaching, and also leaving Sydney.

But of course I would suck as a teacher and really would only be doing it for the holidays.

Can someone make a decision for me and tell me what to do?, I hate being a grown up and having to do all this crap for myself.

As a thank you I'll make you some jam.

My bad luck: brought to you by the letter "L"

I just went rummaging through my lame-ass attempt at "The worlds greatest D.V.D. collection" thinking what would be a good movie to drink cocoa to before bed, I don't feel like anything too draining.

As I looked through my collection, a shimmering white cover caught my eye, it was a recent purchase of mine a lucky one as it was only ten dollars, it was the D.V.D. of one of my favourite musicals "Gigi"

As I settle down with my cocoa, ready to watch a lovely movie I open the case and see the hideous image of Jennifer Lopez grabbing Ben Affleck by his shirt and in hideous purple letters "Gigli"

Anyway the point of the story is one stray "l" has ruined my night

Saturday, June 2


I had to cancel work yesterday and today, because I have a bloody cold, and voice is all scratchy.

Well at least I'll finally get to sleep.

And a previous post related tnagent, Did you know that consuming large amounts of Brussel Sprouts has a similar effect to asparagus when peeing? well I didn't and now I do know, interesting stuff isn't it?

I'm going to crawl back in under my doona/duvet/quilt blanket type thing, overdose on paracetamol and wish for a boy who can make me sugar-free cocoa and give neck rubs while reminding me of how hot I am.

Thursday, May 31

Winter means...

I like winter it means I can drink lots of sugar-free, dairy-free, flavour-free cocoa, mmm with some fake peppermint essence to make it more wintery.

It means brussel sprouts are in season, which means they are cheap and and yummy and not the soggy frozen ones I have to make do with the rest of the year, I bought two kilos today and I think they will last me until tomorrow.

Have I ever told you that I have a major addiction to brussel sprouts? well I do.

It means I can now move into my dykey winter uniform of jeans, chuck taylors and novelty t-shirts with trench coats.

It means I can bring out my ugly beanie collection in the name of warmth.

Added bonus: ugly beanies cover up, my hideous hair at the moment (I'm growing out my hair back to the Afro of yore, which means I have taken a vow this year not to colour, straighten or do anything cool and exciting to my hair until it's at least shoulder length which is pissing me off)

Speaking of hair I have been growing my armpit hair for the last two months, If you ever get the chance to do it, you should it's really quite fun, my armpit hair is considerably lighter than my head hair.

Why am I doing it? well because I can and because there are no men in my life at the moment and I really have no desire to find men in the near future, thus I don't have to be so regimented with the grooming and I have always wondered if it is possible to grow armpit hair to a length that can be plaited... only time will tell.

Sunday, May 27

My Sydney Riot: Part Deux

Just got home festival was fan-fucking-tastic, but that might be because of the copious amounts of alcohol and the pill I took today.

Actually it was amazing every band I saw were great and the D.J's kicked right royal arse!

I bumped into an old girlfriend from make-up school and we talked and talked and talked, and danced and talked some more, bumped into more people from various other make-up jobs and we had a right royal blast, I left them all as they were progressing to some after party as I just wanted to go home and curl up in bed which I plan on doing soon.

I'm now thinking about the last time I took a pill which was my birthday (remember when I threw up on about fifteen people on a bus) which reminded me of the person I covered the most in vomit 'The Americano' which is now leading to the thought of sex, which is now making me horny.

Or I could really go some ice-cream right now.

Anyways I'm happy and horny, possibly hungry

My Sydney Riot

I have nothing much to say, I'm on my way to the 'My Sydney Riot' Festival, yay alcohol and music, and the last 'Cuthbert and the Nightwalkers' full show for three months which makes me sad because they are a great live act.

So if you are there and see a fat girl stumbling around say hi, or better still steer clear, or better still come along and hit on Boo, she'll be there too and needs some boy action.

Thursday, May 24

My Darling brother has come to visit me which means watching DVD's and eating yummy food, except I cannot eat anything yummy, which makes me sad (insert frowny face here)

I got over it when I bought hideously expensive giant strawberries, they would of been a whole lot better if they were accompanied with chocolate and double cream.

Deryn did however buy me a huge warm hooded jumper with decapitated monkeys on it, it's so deliciously ugly.

Am flat out with work at the moment, last night they told me I was a star.

I am craving haloumi at the moment I want to eat it by the kilo with rocket and a balsamic reduction.

Sunday, May 20

Twas a big night

I had a big night last night, a fun one too!

No sugar means I am pissed after one drink.

Good because it means I'm a cheap drunk, but bad because I believe in drinking until my money or my booze runs out (so usually it's over after three drinks) but because I wasn't poor or short of booze I pushed and I pushed.

Also because I'm trying my darnedest to avoid the delicious taste of beer, I had vodka and diet lemonade.

Anyway, because I was too drunk to trust myself on public transport I went with the $60 taxi home.

Well at least I know now I'm too poor to drink to excess this week.

But I did have a blast, so risking my physical health to be more social was so worth it.

Saturday, May 19

I am very easily amused.

The play ends tonight which is a shame, as it was so much fun, which means tonight I party, and to make sure I keep away from the beer I bought a whole bottle of lime flavoured vodka, mainly because I can handle vodka in large amounts and b I don't really like vodka so will most likely mix my drinks with as little as possible, I was going to go with wine, but it's too cheap and too easy to get plastered on.

If only I had drugs, this whole partying thing would be a whole lot easier.

Thursday, May 17

Bloody Cycles

I hate being a girl, I hate being controlled by the surging hormones that come from my front bottom area, it's not the blood that irks me, the blood is nothing (we just over dramatise it to get out of things we want to avoid) it's the fact that last week I wanted to sleep all day, this week I want to fuck anything that moves and next week I'll want to bake cakes and talk about my feelings then forget immediately what I did and then bake more cakes and talk more about my feelings.

Just rereading that statement you could easily say, well dear it sounds more like Manic Depression... wait did I say that? that's not very polite of me of course I meant to say Bipolar Disorder, but alas I cannot blame it on my mind because once 'The Reds vacation in the summer house' I am a normal person again for a week or two.

Tuesday, May 15

I Got the Golden Ticket

I never thought my life could be
Anything but catastrophe
But suddenly I begin to see
A bit of good luck for me

'Cause I've got a golden ticket
I've got a golden twinkle in my eye

It Only took three hours of clicking a button every sixty seconds, but I did it I'm going to Splendour!!!!!!!

I'm going with Boo, and my Brother, and lots of other friends. I'm so happy it looks like an awful lot of people missed out and are very very pissed off

I'm going to Splendour.

Monday, May 14

OkStupid Message for the Day

Ok so I have mentioned that my profile is on a 'networking' site it's really not much of a deal as the only men who contact me are usually good christian men from nigeria who are looking for a bride, So I got excited when I saw a message in my inbox that wasn't a marriage proposal until I read it properly

"hi i see you are freinds (sic) with Boo i think see i very very sexy in her pics any chance you could ask her to check her messages please thankyou"

Now I'll agree readily that Boo is one of the sexiest people I know but, but she is also an absolute grammar bitch, sometimes I wonder how we get along as my typing is atrocious and my usage of words is usually 90% inappropriate (granted most of my knowledge of the English language has come from word of the day toilet paper) but anyway, when I got that message and looked at his profile and decided that he wasn't quite suitable.

Sunday, May 13

i'm tipsy...ish

i just got home from make-up job and seeing a band, and seeing a friend,

it's all good and the fact that I no lnger consume refined sugar makes it really easy for me to get drunk, three beers and I'm all smily.

did I mention that I have given up refined and pocessed sugar?

PROBABLY DIDN'T It doesn't really sound klike something I would say.

I like talking to boys while drinking beer, it's sooo much fun.

uyes I know i shouldn't be drinking beer, but wine sucks and I cannot drink lolluy drinks.'
get of my calse mum.

mmmm sleep.

The band sucked, iok the band didn't suck but theikr lead singer was as charismati as a nazi with leprosy and the sound was really distorted and because of cast memebers beinfg late I missed out on seeing the act I wanted to see.

ok now to bed

Saturday, May 12

should I sue?

I was in a book store today and some graphic designer has obviously been heavily inspired by my rear end, (minus the stretch marks and cellulite)

What if I'm not the only one with my tattoo, what if someone else has the exact same thing on their lower back, I'm all worried now.

Ok my tattoo isn't exactly the same, it looks completely different, but it does have the word tattoo in it.

I'm really pathetic aren't I?

You know you wanna.

I've decided I'm going to Splendour this year.

So who wants to come with me? we will dance, get drunk, get ?????, and then dance some more and sleep in tents, and do it all again.

You know you wanna.


Thursday, May 10

I cannot afford it but gosh darn I am so in love with my new perfume I now smell so pretty, which makes me all happy.

Now I'm off to make people look like insects, a friend needed a make-up artist (which I happen to be) and I am bored and in a good mood so I agreed, so until the 19th I haven't got a night to myself, well except maybe tomorrow night I might go see a gig.

Friday, May 4

I haven't posted much of late because I took my computer to a repair guy and when I got it back it wouldn't connect onto the internet.

That and I have had a life... ok not so much of a life but I've actually been busy, busy, busy.

and yes saying something three times makes it seem much more important.

On Monday: I saw my beloved 'Richie' and we had coffee and caught up and hugged and ate thai food, all in all my perfect friend date.

On Monday Night: Dumbass Chef/DJ/Ex calls me and propositions me for sex, I being Miss High and Mighty 2006 turned him down with the (fake) excuse that I have a boyfriend, he being the dumbass that he is then asked me what I thought about "a bit on the side?" I proceeded to laugh at him and suggest instead of sex that we catch up for a coffee, I wonder why he didn't take me up on my offer?

On Tuesday & Wednesday: Nothing to Report

On Thursday (Yesterday): After work at "The Company" me and girlfriend from work, head to the Annandale to see a friends band "Cuthbert and the Nightwalkers" My intention for the night was that I would see the band and get home by midnight... Of course I always seem to forget that I am Kimberly and I never manage to stick to any plans. So my early night ended up being an all night conversation with a friend of a friend of mine who I unexpectedly bumped into at 'The Annandale' that was punctuated with lots of alcohol and the occasional pub shutting down, all in all we managed to stay in pubs until 6am I felt so rock and roll. Plus I made a new friend and he seems to rock.

Now I'm On my way to work and a night out with my other beloved Boo, I have only slept an hour so I don't think I'll last long tonight, wish me luck.
I haven't posted much of late because I took my computer to a repair guy and when I got it back it wouldn't connect onto the internet.

That and I have had a life... ok not so much of a life but I've actually been busy, busy, busy.

and yes saying something three times makes it seem much more important.

On Monday: I saw my beloved 'Richie' and we had coffee and caught up and hugged and ate thai food, all in all my perfect friend date.

On Monday Night: Dumbass Chef/DJ/Ex calls me and propositions me for sex, I being Miss High and Mighty 2006 turned him down with the (fake) excuse that I have a boyfriend, he being the dumbass that he is then asked me what I thought about "a bit on the side?" I proceeded to laugh at him and suggest instead of sex that we catch up for a coffee, I wonder why he didn't take me up on my offer?

On Tuesday & Wednesday: Nothing to Report

On Thursday (Yesterday): After work at "The Company" me and girlfriend from work, head to the Annandale to see a friends band "Cuthbert and the Nightwalkers" My intention for the night was that I would see the band and get home by midnight... Of course I always seem to forget that I am Kimberly and I never manage to stick to any plans. So my early night ended up being an all night conversation with a friend of a friend of mine who I unexpectedly bumped into at 'The Annandale' that was punctuated with lots of alcohol and the occasional pub shutting down, all in all we managed to stay in pubs until 6am I felt so rock and roll. Plus I made a new friend and he seems to rock.

Now I'm On my way to work and a night out with my other beloved Boo, I have only slept an hour so I don't think I'll last long tonight, wish me luck.

Wednesday, May 2

Sometimes I swear my life is being filmed and it's being turned into some indie-comedy with an annoying female lead.

I have no time to write right now, I have no idea when it happened but I'm all of a sudden very busy.

Sunday, April 22

OK Stupid

Last night I went out with Boo, and our intention was to party hard and flirt... OK it was Boo's intention to party hard and flirt it was my intention to go out and avoid drinking beer.

Of course in typical Kimberly fashion I failed, but I didn't go too badly as I only had two light beers, one white wine and a glass of diet coke so all in all I think I won, I can drink wine without the queasiness except drinking house wine in a nightclub is like drinking cold cat piss, while holding a glass that screams like a beacon to all other nightclub patrons "Look at me, I have no idea what I'm doing here, I just wanted to get away from the bloody kids" which totally contradicted my sleek all black outfit persona I was trying to pull off.

Night was kinda dampened by the sight of the worst that can happen in a relationship, worst was that it was happening to someone we knew. I was thankful that I have never experienced anything like that.

Went from Ubercool nightclub to Bogan Bar to the world renowned 'Townie' and Boo and I bumped into our friend 'Miss Mona' who was celebrating her 21st Birthday, met some new and lovely people realised that we were all on the same networking (OK dating) website. It's not really a proper dating site as it's free but it looks like one and most people are on there because of dating but I swear I'm only on OkCupid for the quizzes, and to look and see what single men look like... I like to look at people and read what they have to say about themselves without actually becoming their friends, there's nothing wrong with that right?

Thursday, April 19

I suck at quitting jobs I really do, the last time I resigned from a job, my boss managed to convince me to stay on another month and a half on a quarter of my wage... (slight exaggeration, more like half)

Well you see tonight I quit my waitressing job, I was fine I was enjoying my job, it's so easy except for the Angry vain boss, who contradicts everything he says and and annoying mix CD of ethnic music interspersed with Celine Dion on constant loop.

It was great tonight all wonderful customers, I was wonderful, so wonderful a patron offered me a very large tip, now it's to be said in Australia in restaurants, cafes and the like that tips usually left on the table go into a communal tip jar and either are divided amongst the staff equally or more often than not go into a end of week/month booze fund for the staff, but that's OK Australia isn't a tipping country, and since I have been working there I know patrons have been leaving some lovely tips so I was looking forward to my cut of it, So like the money hungry person that I am asked what happens to the tips?

Nobody gets tips here, how do you think I pay you

(that's me remember) Well don't you pay staff and all other expenses related to the restaurant from the revenue obtained from the food that you serve?

Go Away! Take these entrees to table 6

The seed was finally planted, since I decided to take this job countless people My Brother, Mother, The Americano, The Homeless lady with the Garbage Bag Dress have all told me to quit, but I ignored them all mostly because I do it so well and partly because I like money, but tonight I cracked, after he yelled at me for not doing something that he yelled at me earlier for doing... well I didn't so much crack as laugh and say "well have a nice life" it was quiet, and restrained for me but when I got outside I laughed and skipped home while in my head the 'I got a golden ticket' song was going through my head, I have to quit jobs more often.

Sunday, April 15


Dead Dad Day went a lot better than expected, mainly because I slept most of it, then I went to work at 'The Restaurant' I forgot how good I am as a waitress, people seem to like me a lot more when I'm serving them, which is fine as I think in some sick way I like to serve people.

The boss is a very vain man who has decked out 'The Restaurant' in every possible tacky souvenir possible and there is an entire wall of photoshopped images of him surrounded with fairy lights, he is easily angered and refuses to wear his glasses while working so he cannot read the orders and complains loudly because I haven't written things in metre high letters for him.

The staff is his wife, a woman who seems non talkative, a hodgepodge of Nepalese youth on holiday visas, a couple of young men with young wives and newborn children to support, they all collectively cringe when I raise my voice or question the boss, one of the workers went so far as to shoosh me when I vocalised my conflicting opinions... but I will persevere as I need money and this job gives me the three magic words that makes it all worthwhile 'Cash in Hand'

Thursday, April 12

Another year another Dead Dad Day

It's odd I hate the 13th of April (tomorrow) , I will hate it for the rest of my life, it's only a day. I mean the thirteenth of April has nothing to do with my father's death, but I still would rather blame it than cigarettes, fatty food, and the stress of existence.

I wish sometimes I was one of those people that could break down and cry, one of those emotionally open people that can talk about their feelings and 'workshop' my emotions... but I'm not, I can't stand those people that do, I think it's incredibly selfish personally, so when someone comes to me with a problem or a dillema I nod I smile I suggest nonsensical crap and lots of alcohol.

Now I'm off to take my own advice.

P.S. yes I know alcohol isn't a solution but I am much more of a band-aid solution kinda girl

No sex and no wheat makes Kimberly Something, Something.

A stupid decision I made a few days ago has me now working and incredibly suspect restaurant amongst a bevvy of illegal immigrants, I have no idea why I even applied, I don't need the job, I have market research...
The restaurant was just very close to my flat and they only waitresses for three or four hours shifts and the owner is hilariously vile, I imagine I'm going to blow up at him and storm off within the week.

I guessing the irrational job application is a side effect of not being able to have pasta, or bread or different kinds of bread, But surprisingly I am coping very well without sex it's only been one week, five days and twenty-two hours since I last got laid... and I'm not obsessing about it at all.

Monday, April 9

All work and no wheat makes Kimberly go something
All work and no wheat makes Kimberly go something
All work and no wheat makes Kimberly go something
All work and no wheat makes Kimberly go something
All work and no wheat makes Kimberly go something

I just realised after typing it out five time I could of just copied and pasted it four more times.

See what happens when I don't get any toast.

Doctor made me give up wheat again because it made me think I was pregnant.

She said that wheat was a bad influence on me and we couldn't be friends anymore, which is a shame because I loved wheat I really did, wheat completed me filled me with it's starchy love, visited me in so many forms as pasta, as freshly baked bread rolls, as biscuits and in beer but no more I have to be yet again one of those gluten free wankers.

It could be worse I suppose, I could be short.

P.S. wheat free stuff is really expensive

Friday, April 6

Things I have learnt this week.

1) My brother is hopeless without me as much as he tries to deny it
2) There is a limit to how much jam one can consume in one day and it's less than a jar
3) I am apparently a very cruel person when I'm not getting laid
4) It's really fun kicking pigeons/ stray dogs/ homeless people
5) If I don't pay my mobile phone bill on time, I don't receive any of my text messages.
6) Stumbleupon is the single most destructive thing I have ever encountered online

Friday, March 30

'The Americano' leaves tommorrow, which makes me sad.

Not in a melodramatic 'Anna Karenina throw myself on the train tracks' kind of way, but in a 'aww geeze that's the way life goes' kind of way, I mean the last few months have been lots of fun.

Plus regular high quality sex, I have found out that when I'm getting laid I'm much more tolerable to be around.

So yeah I want some sympathy, and a battery operated bedroom aid, or something to help strengthen my wrists.

Tuesday, March 27

I'm really tired, onto second mug of coffee and I still want to curl up under the doona/duvet/quilt and sleep.

really really really sleep.

It's ten am and I think after I write this I'm taking a nap...

My eyes are watering now, and my head keeps on dropping so every few moments my nose is touching my boobs and I don't remember getting there,

Ok now I nap.

wake me up in an hour please?

Friday, March 16

I haven't posted recently, uni has resumed, work is at full swing and I have had some semblance of a life... and I have been trying to think of a way to describe my birthday without a) incriminating myself, b) incriminating others and most importantly c) humiliating myself but I can't do anything that doesn't in some way humilate myself so here it is, yet another patented Kimberly tale of public humiliation.

OK my birthday rocked, I had a blast, I had Teppanyaki and Cocktails with my beloved friends (and former d-landers) Tit-ho and Boo the day before, and woke up on my birthday sluggish dehydrated and well after midday... all good signs in my opinion.

Surfing the net on my birthday I saw the first sign that my birthday would rock "the rocky horror picture show" was screening that night...

OK I have intentionally not mentioned a certain person of late primarily because I know he reads this thing... well you see I have been 'seeing' him but I won't be using the term 'seeing' as it apparently indicates something long term (his words not mine) and however blast one does describe the situation I am in (I refuse to use the term fuckbuddy as it makes me seem like a gullible slut with no self esteem... but it is an almost suitable term except I am not 'that' gullible or pathetic) but he is a foreigner and he leaves the country soon, Boo has nicknamed him 'The Americano' and as I cannot think of a suitable nickname without revealing his identity so I too will be calling him 'The Americano' and also it makes him sound rather exotic.

Anyways back to my Birthday, On my way to meet 'The Americano' I realise that I have forgotten my house keys therefore am locked out, that should of been the first sign of a night destined for ruin. I met with 'The Americano' and we saw 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show'... yes please bear with me it's not a very amusing anecdote yet. Anyway the movie rocked partly because it's a great movie and partly because we may of smoked something beforehand... yes I know drugs are bad, but it's my birthday... so shut up.

Anyway the night was still young and my birthday coincided with 'The Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras' so we had to go out and party some more, we may of ingested a little round thing each, but details are hazy in regards to that part. And we crawled down oxford st, and danced and danced and danced and danced and danced and danced, I danced so much that I had forgotten that I had consumed nothing all day except a toasted cheese sandwich and an ice cream and a few.. a few alcoholic beverages.

As the night drew to a close came the most memorable part of the night, exhausted beyond belief, 'The Americano' and I catch the bus home, I'm a little dizzy a little tired and a little gassy and I let out a little cough.

Except what I thought was a cough wasn't... and after I finished my cough I realise that 'The Americano' and the two girls sitting on the other side of me and myself are all covered in vomit, my vomit.

I have heard lots of stories from lots of people about drunken vomiting in public, I however in my many years of being a lush have avoided the trend itself, and would always point and laugh at all those pathetic people who did it as it's so sad. Well on the first day of the 23rd year of my life I slipped down a notch and joined the tragic drunks of the world.

What made it worse was not the two innocent strangers who I covered with my bile but the fact that I had covered the Americano and myself in my stomach contents and that now we would have to go back to his house as I couldn't run to my house and hide as I was locked out covered in my vomit.

What I should mention that due to things ingested earlier that evening the whole experience at the time was hilarious and in hindsight still is, with all the bad things said about drugs, it makes vomiting on people (and apparently being vomited on also) a much more pleasant experience.

What I have learnt from my experience.
  • That it is very difficult to wash vomit out of clothing in a bathtub while naked and trying not to wake-up the flatmates.
  • It is very difficult to strike a conversation with someone that you have vomited over.
So sorry about that

It's OK it Happens

yeah I know but it's so... Oh wait hold on there some partially digested orange segment in your hair

Oh yeah thanks


  • When you have money you should place it in your wallet and not crumple it into a ball and hope it falls into your handbag
  • Stories about public vomiting are great ice breakers when talking to strangers.

Thursday, March 1

In a couple of days I will turn 23.

Do you know what that means?

It means in two days I will officially be in my mid-twenties.

OK it really means I'll be unofficially in my mid-twenties, I'll actually be officially in the early to mid twenties age bracket.

This of course means nothing to you, because you are a sane individual, but to me it means that I am ageing and closer to death, it means I have not gotten any closer to any of my goals, it means that I am rapidly progressing to my inevitable demise of dying alone in my flat tangled in the wool of countless unfinished knitting projects and having my remains eaten by my forty cats.

It also means that I get to gorge on six dollar cocktails and teppanyaki soon.

Thursday, February 22

What really turns me on!

People who know me, know that I am not much of a prude and enjoy talking about sex in any way shape or form, and I probably haven't mentioned too much about me sexually in this blog because I'm not anonymous on here. And I'll admit that I do have some unique tastes when it comes to my own personal arousal which may not be your cup of tea.

Until today I thought I was the only one, with my particular quirk

But I found a website that had my ultimate erotic fantasy, complete with pictures.


I need a cigarette.

Sunday, February 18

So I have a confession,

I have been working on a stand-up routine for the last couple of weeks and I will be performing it on Friday,

I have also had a problem these last couple of weeks that whenever I think about the before mentioned stand-up routine I seem to lose control of all bodily function.

I think there may be a correlation.

Saturday, February 17

An Excursion

, originally uploaded by poster_of_a_girl.

I went to the Aquarium and a Zoo with my galpal Boo yesterday, fun was had by all and many a cute photo was taken. I was however very dissapointed that I didn't see anything die at all during my trip except on the bus trip home but you expect at least a couple of people to die on the bus ride home.

Sunday, February 4

Life is good when work finishes early and you go straight home, make yourself a huge bowl of penne, open up a bottle of beer and watch '9 to 5'

What is less good is trying to paint an eighth of a toenail during said movie.

Friday, February 2

With the invention of my bills for next month exceeding my income, today turned out to be crap.

Then the tripping on my feet and tearing off half a toenail made the day slightly more crappier

With the addition of a Boy standing me up on date, the day turned out to be crappier still

(ok boy didn't stand me up he called me well in advance and told me he was ill and promptly rescheduled our date, but it's the principle damn it!)

Sunday, January 28

Went to the Big Day Out the other day and I had a blast.

I stayed in on Australia Day and I had a blast.

I pretended I lost my voice today so I could sleep in and have poached eggs instead of going to work and doing nothing, and guess what? I had a blast.

I have to go to market research work tomorrow but only for three hours so tommorrow I'll have a blast.

This week has been really good.

It's toothpaste that helps get rid of hickeys? right?

or is it hickies?

Thursday, January 18

2007 is going swimmingly,

or swimmingly...ish

I have however made resolutions.

I will submit everything I have due on time.

I will keep my flat somewhat organised.

I will go to the gym more often, and not only when I know "pimp my ride" is on

I will do my best not to chemically alter my hair and grow it out this year

I will finish the rug I have been working on for the last to years.

I will blog more.

I will try not squeak so much in conversation

I will go out and have cocktails with Boo, much more often

I will not buy unecessary books/clothing/dvd's/ off ebay

I will not stay up late watching late night quiz shows

There is too much wrong with me