The Spank Bank: Part Two

Mr James Garner 

Nuff said really, James Garner is a man, tanned nicely not to the leathery scrotum looking Mr Cary Grant but in a healtyish way (I'm not too fond of tanned me don't know why) anyways, have you seen Maverick (the t.v. series) You haven't well you should even if you aren't into light western comedies from the 50's Maverick rocks, and actually you should watch after James Garner Leaves and Roger Moore replaces him, Roger More isn't really Spank worthy but he is deliciously out of place.

Also The Great Escape! I mean him a Donald Pleasence (to be in a future spank bank) had the whole simmering homoerotic love thing down pat waaay before Brokeback Mountain, I mean James Garner he was the fucking rock, there was nothing he wouldn't do for him!  plus in the Great Escape he wears two clothing items that trigger a knicker change in me, a knitted turtleneck and the colour navy blue...phwoar

Back at work

Back at work after a whole week off sick! Am still sick but cannot afford to be off sick any longer

 

Benefits of being back at work;

a)       Tropic Thunder is playing on loop (it was probably one of the best movies I saw last year)

b)       Not at home crying and praying for a better life under my doona

c)       Got to wear a bra today and not out of boredom, I appreciate the magic powers a bra has in rejuvenating me

d)       Got to wear jeans today, (I have actually been living in this hideous lilac floral mumu for the last week)

e)       Havent’ got  my voice back and people think they are talking to a robot with static, but I don’t care, I can say robot stuff and it’s mildly amusing

f)         Got to have a mental affair on the bus with Jason Bateman and it was hawt! And teen wolf 2 themed

 

 

 

 

 

 

sick

I have been off sick for the whole week I have not had a cold this bad in such a very very very long time, it's quite weird waiting for a cold to go away, I'm not smoking i'm not drinkinga and I'm not eating crap but my head still is full of goo and I have no voice.

I'm also super bored, and in my immense boredom of not having anything to do (and being dosed up on cold a flu tablets and massive amounts of vitamin c) have concocted in my head that someone has died, no body specific, but I have been trawling obituraries for the last few hours and checking facebook to make sure all my friends (or at least all my friends with facebook ) are alive.

I have had unlimited access to internet over the last six days it's the only thing I have the slightest amount of energy to do but I look at it look at the same five sites I always look at and then go straight to bed, I could be making Latvian pen pals or learning Spanish or attempt to read all of Wikipedia I could be attempting to improve myself in some way and all I do is look at clothes, girls in clothes and blogs written about girls in clothes...

Please I hope I'm not becoming dumber,

Please I hope nobody is dead, thinking someone is dead is a horrible feeling

Sick

I haven't left home for the last three days, when I cough I double over in pain, my head hurts, I have no voice and I'm bored beyond belief.

To shake things up today I decided to put on a bra.

How am I going?

I feel like crap! I have felt like crap for a very long time and now I feel like super crap, I wish I could say it's some emotional romantic dilemma that involves a vengeful ex girlfriend and my family held hostage but alas life in the Kimberly world is never adventurous.

I just have a fucking horrible cold, not a boo hoo I'm a little stuffed up better take the day off work wink wink and go to IMAX instead...I wish. It's one of those painful colds where every muscle hurts (especially my right bicep go figure) and my head is packed full of swollen sinus ejaculate (trying to work some new words for snot into everyday conversation) and all I can stomach is soup but when I have soup unless it's chunky I can't tell the difference between it and ejaculate (well that and the fact there is usually a massive quantity difference I'm just chuckling this bit in but look at the the wikipedia entry on ejaculation it has a video) which was what happened with 'The man wth no names' Potato and Leek soup today last night he made mulligatawny which when I'm well is divine and one of the best things on earth but when I'm sick it's spiced ejaculate with chicken and apple pieces.

Ok this really makes me sound like a right slurry doesn't it?


Anyways in Other non ejaculate related Kimberly stories my dear friend 'The Americano' has come and left Australia and we managed to condense two and half years of half arsed friendship into ten days of overbearing clingy awkwardness... and that was just from me

No it was actually quite nice, I really don't have a core group of friends in Sydney who meet up every saturday and talk and drink like they do on T.V most of my friends have either a) moved away from Sydney or b) are individuals that I can't just group together with other friends and kill two birds with one stone or c) people trying to fuck me. So it was good catching up and having amzing meals and drinking massive quanities of alcohol and talking, talking is one of my favourite things except now that when I talk I remember stuff from my drug addled youth(that's Kimberly from ages 17-22) like dressing up in very odd costumes and fighting people in said costumes... which led me to locate said pictures from my fightingd days... day... night.

It's not good Kimberly in grey boilersuit thing made of stretchy paper material not good.

Need more drugs to forget it.

The Spank Bank: part one

Inspired by one of my favourite bloggers Lady SJ and her great collection of 'Men I'd Smoke' I have decided to compile a list of the men I find most attractive in the world a) so I can show my grandkids (that's if i'm unlucky enough to get knocked up and live long enough to see my children get knocked up) the kinky shit I'm into, and also b) gives me an excuse to collect more material for the 'spank bank'

Number One: Mr Lee Marvin

He is my ultimate in Actors and in men, he's the man I would drop everything for, if I encountered a man who looked like Lee Marvin in the mid 1960's I would drop everthing there and then and ride him home. In fact talking about him requires me to go change my knickers.

Number Two: Mr Errol Flynn


Oh Errol! I would do anything just to be with him, yes he is Australian and looks Australian and I have not placed very many Australians into the 'spank bank' as most of the time they look Australian but he rocks a mo' like no one else and Captain Blood is a great movie and phwoar! he looks like he'd be a good no nonsense root (none of that candles and rose petals bull shit)

more to come.

My Childhood in Bad Pop Songs: Part Two

Girlfriend: they lasted a little longer than teen queens and had the sunflower motif down pat. an I went on to absolutely adore Robyn Loau (the islander girl) in the late 90's shame about this hey.

My Childhood in Bad Pop Songs: Part One

This was the debut single from one of the first cassettes I ever owned (by own of course I mean taped off the c.d version my Uncle Barry owned) The Teen Queen were awul they still are awful they were three girls who sang 90's versions of 60's songs

I can't believe how my taste in music has grown

History of the Predictive Text Swearing

woke up early and instead of y'know cleaning like I should be i'm instead watching British comedy duos on Youtube

So...

My friend 'The Americano' is in town for the next few days which is funnily awkward enough as I used to do him and even funnier as now I'm seeing someone else, I haven't got a name for him so he'll be 'The man with no name' I'm only blogging about this because a) I know both of these gentlemen sneak around reading my blog and b) I like to create personal drama when theres not any to begin with.

Even though chances are they'll never meet I'm secretly hoping for a 'Women in Love' style naked brawl (cannot find a video of it online other than this scene) involving them and few other exes of mine, it would be hawt and I could referee and oil everyone up in between rounds. Actually that reminds I should rewatch I forgot how hot young Alan Bates.

must add him to the men I'd smoke list.

I did get a case of Larabars from 'The Americano' which makes me super happy, and super regular too.

Still all and all I love seeing old friends, it gives me the warms and fuzzies

John Hughes is Dead!

 

Stuff Michael Jackson, this is a true artist dead!

 

I love John Hughes movies, they are most of the time meh but I love them ever so much, as a bedridden teenager (yeah I was sick for a bit)  I lived on constant re-watchings of this video I had where channel ten actually had a triple bill one Saturday night of Ferris Buellers Day Off, The Breakfast Club and Weird Science and thanks to my dad making the sizeable investment of purchasing a long play VCR (also it was dual PAL and NTSC how fancy)  I managed to get all three onto the one tape, oh goodness how I thrashed that tape, that and the 1995 BBC Pride and Predjudice mini series with Colin Firth, anyways John Hughes, has probably been one of the biggest influences in my life because of John Hughes I was a smug wordy teenager who didn’t give a damn about what people thought about me and now I’m a smug wordy adult who doesn’t care what anybody thinks (ok I may have to thank partly a good upbringing for some of that thanks Dead Dad and Alive Mum) Ok and also I have to thank John Hughes films for my taste in music, clothes and men.

 

Oh how I love a smouldering 80’s heartthrob, with hair that that touch too long, with unusually straight teeth, dreamy blue eyes, wearing a stripy jumper, or better still a jumper knotted around his shoulders and reeking of Calvin Klein Obsession for Men (I don’t know why but it’s a panty dropping smell )  I remember many a sleepless night as a fourteen year old wishing for a guy that looked like a hybrid between Andrew Mccarthy, John Cusack and Colin Firth, now I just want him to look like Andrew McCarthy circa 1986, in fact I think I’d be happy with Andrew McCarthy he looks like he’d go out of his way to please me.

 

Actually have been gravitating lately to more edgy boys like my beloved Alex, and unkempt boys with facial hair but real facial hair not that spray wispy crap that counts as a beard.

 

Anyways where was I? Oh yeah John Hughes, did you hear he died?

 

 

 

 

At work because I want to be

At work today decided to do overtime as I have to stockpile money for entertainment over the next few weeks (and also to try and fill the gaping hole known as my personal debt). It’s ok because it’s quiet here at work, I’m actually watching Breaking Bad on one of the many T.V.’s here at work and it’s too busy so can actually enjoy my day.

 

Splendour in the Grass was fantabulous even though I was sick and I got to see The Specials and The Happy Mondays right up near the front so I can almost die happy (need to tick off B52’s, New Order, Sufjan Stevens, The Cardigans, Fleetwood Mac, and Dolly Parton off my living musicians I need to see live list)

 

I think I’m going to make Coq Au Vin tonight, or sleep as I’ll be doing it all again tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

Splendour 2009: Part One

I am writing this in bed from Brunswick Heads staying at this cute cottage crammed with 6 of us all awaiting Splendour, I'm the only girl here and it becomes really obvious when I realise most of the people in this cottage have never been around a woman other than their mother.

I have been in a car for twelve hours today and I didn't get a single wink of sleep last night or today I'm a wee bit wired, every month towards the end I usually have this odd convergence of my menstrual period/ the busiest time at work and general family and personal dilemmas that haunt me always and I think I'm coming down with a cold my throat is swollen and sore.

Oh well on Saturday I will get to see'The Specials' live and it will all be worth it.

Stupid digestive tract.

I wish I had money

so I could buy this necklace or

this brooch ( I really am so in love with you why is shipping so expensive)

or this necklace

I spent all my money on Quinoa, Amaranth and coconut flour and other hippy gluten free bullshit, all so I can live a fucking longer and happier life without being a gas bag.

But what's the fucking point if I can't have a toucan brooch.

Life was so much easier when I lived off Mi Goreng and toast and spent the money I had left over on new clothes, ahh those were the days.

Stupid digestive tract.

On my way to open bar I mean work function. To drink, and discuss the annual results, whilst drinking and eating. Last years one was the drunkest I had ever been. I apparently propositioned a former party pash i bumped into on the bus ride home and stole a bag of garlic being used for decoration. But I usually pinch stuff when drunk.

Long lost things I am looking for #1

I remember seeing this movie when I was probably ten, and then while blog surfing someone mentioned it and now memories have been triggered.

I need to find this movie and watch it now.

I also need to get a hold of Blythe Spirit

I'm going to go and pick some of those wild stawberries

Cardigan: SARA
Top: Vigilante Labs via Etsy
Skirt: Autograph
Stockings: razzamatazz
Shoes: Evans

I'm going to go and pick some of those wild stawberries, originally uploaded by kimberly.lives.

I got a package from here, and I'm ever so impressed, I got some wacky printed tanks and even a scratch and sniff one.

I'm also posting this picture as I want my brothers opinion of my new big arse black plastic glasses, I love them but as they say boys don't make passes at girls that wear glasses especially when she purchased them for the specific purpose of looking a bit more dorky.

I do really like the whole outfit today I feel like me but also slightly grownded up.

Now off to make buffalo wings and blue cheese ranch dressing

sigh work tommorrow on a Saturday.

I had two days off this week because I lost my voice, I seem to lose it every month or so but when you work on phones it's your money maker so I just have to sit at home wondering what to do that doesn't involve talking.

Most of the time is spent planning my wedding to Alex, my dress, the cake, the band, now I'm not really the marrying type (as I have never been married so I would assume that I'm not ) but for him I'll make an exception.

Also when I'm bored I'm also usually trolling Etsy or looking at food porn


I sometimes like to pretend I'm a mature responsible adult and spend my free days de-cluttering the home, and making pastries and cakes for the household, or buying seasonal fruit and making bulk lots of jam. I usually start and then witing ten miniutes am distracted but t.v, internet or sleep.

Now I'm imagining what I'm going to have for lunch, I feel like eating persian fetta straight out of the jar but I won't (I don't have enough)

Am right now watching 'The Adventures of Baron Munchausen' on T.V

I love Terry Gilliam movies.

I love how he uses little people so creatively.

work on a saturday... woot

I’m at work,

 

Today we are also having some sort of goodbye party for our manager, we have purchased a teddy bear which we have all signed, plus we have gotten him a blow up doll and some love beads for him.

 

At my old job we used to get the person leaving wine and flowers.

 

If you knew about my old job you would be laughing right now.

 

 

A shit of a day/week/month/life

week has been negative fourteen out of ten

today so far negative three out of ten.

Things are technically improving.

- I'm daydreaming about a Tiki/ Hawaiian themed bathroom.
- cannot wait to go see The Specials, Happy Mondays, Flaming Lips, Architecture in Helsinki, Dananananaykroyd, Bluejuice, and Midnight Juggernauts at Splendour in the grass In july(thank you brother)
- keep on having dreams of myself in this domino print dress, cannot afford domino dress so maybe will draw pictures of dominos onto an old t-shirt and hope it makes me look like beth ditto.
-why do I want to look like beth ditto? she's cool but my style is so lazy compared to her.


I should explain why I'm in a shit of mood, but I won't, because you don't really care

Day off from work.

I have the day off from work, I slept in til 11:30 am which is very much a first for me i haven't done that in years.

I'm going to spend my day watching Mad Men and tidying up and wishing that I was a stay at home wife whose life involved secret drinking during the day, making pies in the afteroon and being done whore style in the evening.

It's the three things I do very well, sigh I wish I was in the 50's/ 60's before women went and fucked it all up.

Le Sigh

Arrgh I must have this!!!

knife block of my dreams one of them

- I need something in my kitchen that can visually represent the stabbing urge I so often have
- I need something to stab with in case I get robbed
- I need something to hack up a robbers torso into smaller pieces so I can fit them between the gaps in my back fence so the German shepherds next door can eat said torso

why do I really want to root him?

Back to blogging

Am writing blog again, decided if I have time to go online have time to write inane crap about what I want, nobody reads this drivel, so I’m just going to store the brain overflow here

- I want another tattoo (something a little less sarcastic)

- I want to get my left nipple pierced

- I want to have a wedding (I don’t want to get married but I want an excuse to wear a white dress and have a multi story cake with a statue on it)

- I want a Chanel 2.55 (it’s a handbag peoples)

- I want to learn how to drive

- I want to stop everything work/ study related for three months and not ruin my life

- I want to go a whole week without wheat… without cheating on the occasional beer

- I want to go to Fuji Rock, Lollapalooza, and Glastonbury

- I want a leopard print dress that makes me look rootable

- I want to perfect my maple glazed pork belly recipe

- I want to start a degree and finish it without taking time off to make money to pay for a house I don’t even want

- I want to to sleep eight hours a night

- I want to read a novel a week again.

- I want to win a pub trivia jackpot

Totally justified purchase today.

now to remember what Kiwifruit smell like.

How do I justify purchasing this ?

- I haven't got a single handbag with telephone detail.

- I desperately NEED something in purple leopard print it's the one thing missing from my life.

- Millionaire men are more likely to marry women with unique plastic handbags

Looking fr love in all the wrong places

Bwahahahaha

When I get bored, and I'm all on my lonesome, I spend my time trawling dating websites, not because I'm alone and am looking for the one... but because I like to laugh...at people... I don't know

My favourite thing to do is find men under 5'7 , vegan that are right wing voters and read their profiles.

They more often than not have a lot to say about everything.

Must be a short man thing

I'm getting married! and I want you to meet him

Isn’t he dreamy? He’s a food writer oh and he’s the lead singer of his own band… how bohemian!

Anyway I decided in January when I saw him live that I was going to marry him and after four and a bit months of restless nights I think I’m going to make it happen.

OK maybe not but if anyone knows anyone from Franz Ferdinand y’know drop them a message to pass onto Alex that Kimberly is ready and waiting.

At work daydreaming, Channel V is constantly looping Franz Ferdinand today (they play it at work constantly in the background) and it has triggered many Alex Kapranos fantasies.

I’ll soon be seeing some old friends…which makes me happy, super-hyper-mega happy  

 

Loved ones are celebrating milestones, Mum turns 50 in a couple of weeks, friends are all turning 25

 

Sigh…

 

I’m happy I really am, I’m just really buggered, I’m drinking gallons of tea at work the caffeine does nothing only the sensation of a full bladder keeps me awake.

 

 

I’m obsessed with black dresses at the moment, my brain my eyes and my ears all twitch when I see a black dress that I like, which is insanely stupid I already own several black dresses and other black clothes

 

I’m an idiot

 

Ok I’m not an idiot, I just fee like one

 

 

 

 

Quarter Century

Tomorrow I turn 25…

 

I’m excited because I get to see Deryn, I get to hangout with family and my loved ones and celebrate my most favourite thing of all… Me

 

I’m scared because I’m officially in my mid twenties, I’m out of the 18-24 tick box on dating websites and general market research, I’m out of the dating threshold of creepy sugar daddies (if I had a chance)

 

I’m petrified because every birthday is yet another reminder that I’m no more successful and just firmly establishing myself as another cog in the corporate machine, and I will still be here unless I can figure out a way to bail myself out of debt…

 

Oh well it could be worse I could be short

 

I need to get back to uni.

 

I do have the day off but I plan to spend most of it still

 

 

 

 

 

Kimberly in nutshell

I'm still alive

I'm still fat

I'm still broke.



I have recurring dreams that involve me being in a situation where I can go back to university and finish one of the million partial degrees I have collected.

I have another recurring dream where all my ex man-friends (well at least the ones I like) gather in a support group sobbing openly about missing my wonderful self.

There is also the recurring dream where I have sex with a dragon... but I think that's more to do with a unfulfilled dream I have to build a career out f doing watercolours of peoples cats.

Sigh... did you miss me?

Apologies

Sorry but you know  work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, alcohol, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, sleep, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, alcohol, work

 

Life is great…ish

New house is good, the job is good the family is good

I can’t complain mainly because I haven’t got enough time to do so.

 

 

Will you still need me? Will you still feed me? When I'm twenty-four

As of Monday I am now officially twenty-four years old, It's been a good so far I have spent the the last week eating drinking and sitting on a phone waiting for it to ring.

The new job is going well, everyone at work (by everyone I mean the majority of the young girls in my team) dislike me but everyone else is absolutely delicious... well deliciousish.

New house leaks when the sudden end of Summer deluges hit but apart from that the house is still standing.

Due to the base of my bed not being able to fit up the staircase to go into my room, I have created my own very comfy mattress base with twenty milk crates, and because the bed is so wonderful, I have also furnished my room with a milk crate wardrobe and soon a milk crate computer table with more milk crate goodies yet to come.

My darling brother gave me the most wonderful present I went to the Laneway Festival! and it was uber fantastic.

As a birthday pressie to myself I bought myself tickets to go so see my most favourite band at the moment Nouvelle Vague and I had even more of a blast.

Life is ok, still poor but somewhat happier... for now

New Job New House, New Year

I have a new place, with a new housemate, and a new giant fridge.

for once in my life I can say I'm slightly smaller than the size of a fridge.

I have a new job, it's with a multi-national telecommunications company and it's soooo fricking good!

and I won't be pestering people on the phone they'll be pestering me!

Now I can start paying off my debts, and start saving for Splendour 2008... WOOT!

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Sex:

Sex, it's a very fluid thing,

It relies on fluids (alcoholic) to get started

It requires fluids (personal) to keep going

And it ends in the expelling of more fluids (personal again).

And of course those fluids could possibly combine and create a new creature that will expel more fluids (digestive) for you to clean up.

Ok just a random thought, I have been preoccupied with sex of late, mainly because I managed to hook up two of my very good friends for a couple of sordid nights, despite their protestations, and all I needed was alcohol and a couple of subtle hints like

"he's gagging for a root!"

Oh goodness I am indeed a wordsmith!

Anyways they got laid, and I have realised my sledgehammer subtlety can be useful sometimes.

And I am considering offering my services to help all my friends appreciate the joy that is drunken casual sex.

And no not with me...

so are there any takers?

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At Last a reason to learn how to drive!

I have been umming and ahhing over getting a licence and a car but at last a decent use for a car

And apparently my friend who is visiting Sydney this week will also have a hire car for me to try this on.

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Scorese doing Hitchcock to sell wine

I just saw this, I likee, if you a are a wanky film buff like moi you may like it too.


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Happy New Year!

I'm on my way out to go see one of my favourite groups 'Pink Martini' so this won't be a very long entry.


I just wanted to say quickly that 2007 was one of the best years of my life mostly because of all of the wonderful people I have met, I have been luckily enough to meet and hang out with the kindest, smartest, funniest, sexiest and most generous individuals these last few months and I just want to send you all out a big cyber hug to you all (if you read this blog at all)

and I'll write about my new house soon and maybe post some piccys.

Hooray a new year

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Christmas Dinner turned out a treat, I forget that I'm actually capable of making quite lovely meals when I pay attention and follow recipes, except Mother kinda ruined dessert she bought some hideous low fat flavour free chocolate swirl ice cream, which went well with anything.

But alls well that ends well, there is barely any leftovers to pack away or clean up but still a little Sangria and Caddyshack on the T.V

This is how Jesus would of wanted it.

Christmas 2007

Well I'm officially moving into a cute lil' terrace house in my beloved Marrickville.

It's Christmas Eve and I'm watching some horrid made for TV movie a modern take of a Christmas Carol with Tori Spelling, Gary Coleman and William Shatner..

I have to stay up and watch it as I have to stay up late tonight to cook Christmas dinner as Mother decided at 4pm Cristmas eve that I would be hosting Christmas Dinner at my house and that Deryn would be driving down to Sydney to eat and then flee back home to make breakfasts for hungover millionaires on Boxing Day.

With no notice and a hurried shouted out shopping list to my mother over the phone in a low reception area Christmas will be as follows.

Vichy Carrots
My Roast Potato Salad.
Blanched Green Beans with Almonds
Roast Leg of Lamb with a balsamic and mint sauce
Roast Pork with an Apple Hazlenut Stuffing and Apple/Hazlenut Butter Sauce
Christmas Icecream (packaged pudding and booze mixed through ice-cream)
Fresh fruit and Brandy Custard
Sangria

It's not bad for a few hours planning and using the crap in my cupboard, let's hope it works out...

It did however throw a spanner in the works as it has totally fucked up my plan of getting stoned whilst watching musicals all day.

Family... bah humbug!

At least National Lampoon Christmas will be on so there is a positive, it is one of the great Christmas Movies out there.

Too much stuff

I have put a deposit on a cute lil terrace house lets see if they approve me

I have almost got a new job

I'm tired and poor,

apart from that it's all pretty good

more information as it happens

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Why oh why is it when I have no money (well not enough to justify the postage) is the dress I have been lusting over for months on sale for this week only at 50% off?

On the plus side I did make preserved lemons and limes today and I think they will be an absolute treat and actually turn out the way I have intended and not like my strawberry jam/ overcooked strawberry syrup.

I am really wanting to do some more preserving, I am jonesing for some fetta in fancy flavoured oil mmmm fetta. Ok I'm really just jonesing to be a housewife that makes preserves all day, in between my bridge games and my daily romps with various tradesmen... mmm tradesmen

I have had some really odd pre-period cravings this last week I have been desperate for 'Sweet and Sour pork' not something well done but that gawdawful cheap version made out of battered pork pieces deep fried and coated in an almost toffee like fluorescent red sweet and sour sauce and some slivers of onion for show, Still every where I have been to this last week has seemed not to have it on the menu, probably lucky for me that they didn't I feel like I could inhale a whole bloody bathtub of the stuff right now.

Now how to get the dress without spending any money? It's much harder to shoplift from online stores.

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Got me right down to a tee, or is that T?

read this

Fat girls are like zombies. They have no purpose but to infect all others with their fatness.


If you know me personally then you would be laughing quite loudly, thinking to yourself "Kimberly? Get Married? but she's a bit of slut who can't stand anyone sharing her spotlight, plus she's not very attractive, intelligent or good in bed"

but...

I do have a confession,

I do want to get married one day.

GASP!

I know, I know and you are probably thinking why on earth would someone like me want to get married and I have only one answer to give plain and simple.

It's the cake, I mean your wedding is the only time in your life really where you can have a three tiered cake with a mini statuette of yourself without looking like an absolute wanker, you can be annoying and have a cake with different flavoured layers, and people will line up for hours just to have a slice. If I could have a three tiered cake at my next birthday I wouldn't be thinking like a crazy person and want to get married, If I could get a three tiered cake with my flat white at the local cafe I would be a happy chappy indeed and not be one of these marriage obsessed 'fat girls'

I'm guessing that's why so many girls enter into marriage, for the cake.

I'm guessing that's why so many people divorce too, so that they can re-marry and have more cake.

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Status update

I'm tired, waay too tired, I have to defer Uni for a while next year, I have to get a full time job, there is no way possible that I can afford to live in Sydney, maintain my obligations and Attend Uni full time on my current income and the condition of the scholarship I'm under means I can only do this thing full time or not at all and I don't qualify for any other funding sooo...

I'm looking for a full time job, I'm thinking I might keep with my polling job and find another phone job I'd really like a job that I could wear slippers to.

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Yay it's New PM Day!

I honestly didn't think it would happen but it did, it really did a new Prime Minister

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I love me an election

hahahahahaha

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Where have I been?

I haven't been able to pay for my phone bill, and won't be able to for some time yet (so no internet from home) so while I'm away will you promise to imagine me in a series of sexy adventures with my hair all tousled by skin glistening with perspiration and my top two buttons undone?

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Dillemma #498632

I hate dilemmas especially ones that involve me and money and carrots that are being dangled in front of me that look like wads of much needed cash.

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Big Day Out 2008: Part One - tickets obtained.

I have spent the last of my money on 'Big Day Out' tickets it's already sold out and it took my brother a helper (my darling Boo) and myself all sitting in a virtual queue for a couple of hours to make sure we got tickets and we did so I am now happy. If there's something I like it's an opportunity to get inebriated in a large crowd and listen to a whole heap of music.

woot! now I just need me a sugar daddy to keep me in this lifestyle of being inebriated constantly and travelling from festival to festival.

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Untitled

There's a sense of smug self satisfaction when an ex-boyfriend sends you a late night message declaring that he still wants you.

I haven't paid my mobile phone bill so I couldn't respond, it's a good thing because I can spend some time crafting a touching yet witty response that will leave him feeling better about himself, instead of my usual response when an ex calls of "fuck off! I'm married you've just woken the kid! but yeah we should do coffee some time"

It's nice to know that exes think about me, it means two good things about me a) that I'm great in bed and b) my personality is not so annoying that it counteracts my walnut cracking pelvic floor muscles.


P.S. I have never placed walnuts into my 'corporate box' and I don't recommend you to do it either but I'm assuming that I can crack walnuts based solely on what I can do to ping pong balls.

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What is Octsober?

Now if you are a friend of mine on the facebook (and checked my profile on occasion) you would of noticed I am currently celebrating 'Octsober' a new holiday on the Kimberly-lives calendar, it's my first year of celebrating (as I just made it up last month) and there are some rules that I have to stick to in order to get the best out of Octsober.

- No alcohol is to be consumed during 'Octsober' (convieniently held over the month of October)

I did make a slight exception with this rule as I'm allowed to taste test the hooch i have been making with these and also they barely made three percent alcohol

- If I am seen with an alcoholic drink then I have to purchase two alcoholic drinks for everyone who spots me with booze.

- I am not to consume any illicit substances

- I am not to consume any wheat products or white rice or refined sugar


I have to start being a good girl again, I'm drinking far too much and eating the bad foods that make me sleepy so it's kind of like a detox but with a cooler name, I mean 'Octsober' that is freakin' gold that is.

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Lessons in Jam Making.

When multiplying a recipe you should use mathematics not your eyes.

If you don't have the appropriate equipment to make jam don't wing it with empty soft drink bottles.

Pectin is your friend, and if you are making a non citrus based jam you should always extra on hand.

Anyways I have now three huge jars of strawberry syrup instead of jam, I might have a fiddle around with them to see if I can thicken them further but the syrup at least is mighty fine syrup, and makes a really nice cordial with some lime and soda water and perhaps could add it to my cider making experiment at the moment (did I tell you guys I'm into making booze out of juice at the moment?)

I also missed out on Rage Against the Machine tickets... they sold out in minutes this morning, I only blame my brother...

well at least there are scalpers and they wouldn't rip me off now would they?

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What should I do?

because they were on special I just bought me five kilograms of strawberries, I plan on spending my Thursday making a hell of alot of preserves, so please don't be surprised if you get something strawberry like for Christmas.

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Since I've been gone

I wish I could regale you all with my patented wacky adventures but alas, since I last posted nothing much has happened to me well nothing of note that I can remember, OK a few things of note have happened but nothing that involved me throwing up on people or pashing strangers (well not that I can remember) so I can't really really provide you the interesting material that you come to know and love here on 'Kimberly-Lives'

I made a new friend, she rocks, I went to a protest, I went to a couple of festival thingies, I handed in assignments I got one assignment completely wrong and I have to re-do it, and I'm at another Kimberly crossroads in my life and I don't know what to do.

I'm still absolutely poor, luckily everything I have been doing of late has been free, or cheap or paid for by other people. Oh well I have picked up extra shifts these holidays so hopefully I can be back in the black.

Gah! what I do need is alcohol

Free Alcohol.

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Aint APEC grand?

The following has been circulating around Sydney (friend emailed to me), I have a few more of them but they aren't nearly as interesting, all this hullabaloo for some old birds.

Spouses of APEC Economic Leaders to dine at Icebergs Dining Room and Bar.
Sunday 9 September - Special Traffic arrangements from 7am to 4pm:
- The Bondi Cliff Walk will remain open.
- Residents of Notts Avenue can still walk or drive to and from their homes, however, vehicle access will not be possible for short periods of time between 7am and 4pm.
- Special Event Clearways will be established on both sides of the following roads:
� Campbell Parade, between Francis Street & Lamrock Avenue
� Notts Avenue, between Campbell Parade & Hunter Park
� Syd Enfield Drive, between York Road & Old South Head Road
- Members of Bondi Icebergs Club can access their pool as normal, but the pool will not be open to the public until 4pm.
- Bondi Icebergs Club to be closed until 4pm on Sunday 9 September
- If you are having guests to your home to watch the Festival of the Winds, please let them know in advance that they will not be able to park at your home and to consider public transport. You will need to escort your guests to your home and vouch for your guest. Residents will be asked to provide identification.

I think I'm going to attend the protest, I'm not really "Anti-Bush" (I'm not for him but I wish all these bloody protesters would focus on the other things that we need to be protesting for like the Kyoto Protocol and the whatnot and not on a "We hate George. W, we think he should not be allowed in our country" tirade) but I am pro-big crowds and and pro watching dreadlocked angry socialist hippies being sprayed by high powered water cannons.

I am so going to lefty hell for thinking that, I am a lefty I swear I just am not very far left, it smells over there.

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I don't like to complain... but

OK I love to complain, it gives me something to do, and right now I have a few things to complain about, OK it's just one thing.

I am now officially the poorest I have ever been since I can't remember when, I have eaten through my meagre savings my bills keep on getting bigger and bigger.

In order to save money, I am not leaving my house for anything other than work or university... oh and parties I have already R.S.V.P'd to

The worst thing about all this is that Threadless.com is having a ten dollar sale until tommorrow and I have no money on my credit card.

Woe is me! a new t-shirt would cure all that ails me.

P.S. Deryn! I'm usually a L-XL in the guys shirts, you could get me a girls XL but I usually find them too short and boob distorty

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Days like today

Yesterday was (dead) Fathers Day... which sucks because my father is dead and everyone else's father seems to be live and kicking and giving them money.

But as of a few minutes ago it is Deryn's (he's my brother) birthday, and that rocks because his birthday is also my half birthday, so right now I'm officially 23 and a half! in six months time I will be 24 and officially stuck in the mid twenties, which sucks but I will also be a (in my opinion) seductive older woman and not the giggly teeny bopper I am at the moment.

Because I think that something magical happens on your 24th birthday that makes you instantly cooler.

That makes me sound like a nut when I type it out like that.

But you are reading my blog, you should of established that several entries ago.

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Why me?

I am too busy to write, too tired to write there is far too much boring stuff I am swamped with there are some "more interesting" things I am swamped with but they really don't concern you dear my anonymous reader.

I am poor beyond belief and I think they have cut off my mobile phone, I forgot about the whole paying bills every month thing, so if I don't respond to Sms' my apologies but I am poor and will be for a while yet.

Will keep you posted on my poverty, well I'll try to but if my net gets cut off too it may be a little tricky.

Curse my desire to purchase random pieces of crap, to fill the void where my heart should be.

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I love...

I am so in love with my future Prime Minister right now.

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I need your help!

Deryn (that's my brother folks) and I have been in talks and we have decided that we have to go to the good ol U.S of A to attend this

I may or may not be able to go but I'm going to die to make sure my little brother gets there, no ifs or buts about it.

That's where I need help because I don't really want to die just yet, can you guys lend me some money or if you have a house in Las Vegas that would be really nice if you could lend it to my brother, he's tall and he's a chef, and did I mention he's tall?

It's a week off uni and a lot of money but I can't see any other reason why I can't go and do this, I mean Iggy and the Stooges and Rage Against the Machine, and Public Enemy! I am ever so wetting myself right now.

Now I wonder if airlines let you pay off fares by washing dishes?

Does anyone want to come with me? apart from always borrowing money of you, I'm a whole heap of fun!

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Splendour in the Grass: In Summary

It freakin rocked the proverbial casbah!

My period started on the first day

Then at the gates I realised I had forgotten my i.d.

But I batted my eyelids and managed to get in.

I barely slept all weekend, and when I did I didn't do it well, thank goodness for drugs and organic dark chocolate filled doughnuts.

I consumed more doughnuts than drugs I must say.

I consumed more doughnuts than oxygen at splendour.

I consumed more soup than doughnuts at splendour.

Oh apparently there was some music too.

I spent an awful lot of time drinking goon in the carpark with my brother and his friends.

I also spent an awful lot of time in the carpark looking after my brother after he passed out after consuming too much goon in the carpark.

I spent an awful lot of money

I spent around twenty hours in a rental van.

I spent several hours boiling water for coffee every morning only to find out when leaving the camp-site that there was a public urn on the camp-site that was free to use.

I purchased an awful lot of plastic jewellery.

I spent an awful lot of time bulldozing through crowds either to get closer to the stage or further away from it.

I spent ten minutes today trying to remove my admission bracelet.

Operator Please, Old Man River,Tilly and the Wall, The Herd, The Cat Empire, Sarah Blasko, Hot Chip, Cut Copy DJ's, Holly Throsby, Josh Pike, Hot Chip DJ's, Hoodoo Gurus, Dirty Three, The Shins and The Artic Monkeys are who I got to see.

I will so be back next year. It took me several hours sitting at my computer to get the tickets but I'm so glad I did.

My Splendour Bender: Part One

Tomorrow I leave for "Splendour in The Grass" (from now on will be referred to as "Splendour")

anyways...

We have to leave early to pick up the van we have hired for the weekend, Mum is driving me and Boo to My Brother Deryn and he takes us the rest of the way.

I plan on being well and truly out of it this weekend, and because the caravan park has wireless access I may even be able to keep you posted about how wasted I am.

Ok, probably not.

I'm trying to sleep now but I can't because I keep on thinking I want another cup of hot chocolate, the hot chocolate has ruined me, for several months I had been good and not eating the bad foods that make me all bloaty but yesterday after my hot chocolate I felt like a biscuit so I had one, which led to two more biscuits, which led to me eating a toasted cheese sandwich and I plan on eating more wheat, right now I'm thinking about something with a flaky buttery pastry shell accompanied by a big mug of hot chocolate.

Ooh! they have a spiced version.

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The way to a girls heart.

The best way to win a girl over is to wine her, to dine her and to pretend to be interested in her conversation.

However the best way to win me over is with personalised number plates, candy cigarettes and thishot chocolate mix

I had a cup of it with Deryn and it was almost the consistency of ganache, neither of us could finish our cups.

I am ruined right now

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Gah!

So I have spent the whole weekend working my arse off

Shutup! I know I have an awful lot of arse to work off it's a fucking metaphor, but yes I am aware of my giant derrière.

I needs the money and "Splendour in the grass" is next weekend.

I have no money and I need a lot of it by Friday to pay for van hire, camp-site, drugs, food, souvenirs, alcohol

Curse my inability to save and plan ahead.

I just found an unexplained slip in my letterbox saying I have a package waiting for me, I have not purchased anything off the Internet for a few weeks so I'm wondering if I'm so possessions obsessed that I am now logging onto Ebay in my sleep and buying cowboy boots, whilst not good for my bank balance it's pretty cool if you think about it.

That or my bills are so big and cumbersome now that they no longer fit in my letterbox.

I hate surprises when I don't know about them beforehand... Ok I actually love surprises but I like to be the one surprising people.

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This is why...

This is why you need to exfoliate regularly people.

Otherwise this will be you

a tad distracted

I'm supposed to be in class right now. I woke up nice and early battled peak hour commuters, and slow trains and got here with seven minutes to spare.

I Rule!

Except when I double check my timetable to find out that my lecture today doesn't start for five more weeks, another day wasted.

I must admit I have been a little distracted of late, I am giving far too much thought to certain people right now, and it's affecting my day to day life.

The worst thing about my distractedness today is I could of watched all of Kochie and Mel .

Nobody Noticed.

Nobody noticed my nice boobies today.

However it was counteracted by some young students thinking I was only eighteen, and when I said I was twenty-three they were genuinely shocked... I know how weird is that, but I must say I'm looking mighty good at the moment, or my make-up is at least.

what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas

Saturday I went after work to a going away party, as it was technically my last day of the booze-a-palooza known as my holidays I thought I would go hard, and hard I did.

I apparently made out with someone at Vegas, someone with a girlfriend, but all I can remember is playing with somebodies ear (confession: I have a thing for boys ears) oh well if I can't remember it, it does not exist... right?

It's very funny for the sheer fact that I never get drunk and pash random guys in bars, I'm the sort of person who gets drunk and then makes fun of those people who make out in bars (I am often heard yelling at couples dry humping on pub couches "Get a fucking room or at least go into a toilet cubicle") it's pretty bloody tacky in my opinion (I'm not a public display of tongue related affection kind of girl), but now I'm one of those losers.

I'm not saying I haven't made out with people in public, but I was on pills at the time (so was he) and I would of made out with a telegraph pole (so would he) if given the chance that night.


Lets hope this was a one off show... How do you pub sluts do it?

I'm assuming that this blog is popular with the 'Pub Slut' Community.

I thought I was

I thought I was hungover.

I'm actually still drunk! at midday

details when I get home... I'm in a net cafe right now

What an age we live in!

I just did my tax return in bed, wearing only a pair of hot pink cotton underwear and an old yellow beach towel that I spilled red nail polish on wrapped around my head, whilst talking to Babs about the catastrophe that is the male species and alcohol I could not of gotten away with that at H&R Block.

I love you technology

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alcohol = band-aid

There are too many drunk photos of me on facebook, there would be more except I don't think people can remember my name (thank god!)

This however has not deterred me from drinking tonight, I'm in an absolute shit of a mood and I have needed to drink a lot these last few weeks to forget about the source of my shitty mood.

At work we are right now conducting surveys on behalf of a multi-national-weight-loss-conglomerate, the exact same conglomerate that will be using me in their commercial as "depressed fat girl on the beach" so technically they are paying me twice, but also has me more concerned as when a company starts doing market research (especially with our company) it means that they are going to bombard the media in the near future with advertising and promotions, which means my arse is going to be out there a lot, which if it happened whilst I was drunk would be fine (being mooned by me is one of the top ten things to do in Sydney list as voted by tourists) but me on your television during dinner every night for three months might be a tad scary.

I think I'll be drinking more in the future.

Justification

It's so freakin' cold! I have to go collect course schedules but bed and duvet/doona are so much warmer, I should also clean my flat and do some laundry and buy some groceries and all in all be a mature responsible adult, but recent evidence (a.k.a my life) has indicated I really am a five year old child with a fondness for gin.

Saturday Night I went to a housewarming of a friend with my beloved Boo, I consumed alot, I woke upon Sunday in the doorway with lots of miscellaneous little scratches on my body, was thinking and I shouldn't combine flu medication with hard liquor, but a dripping nose is so annoying while drinking.

Or maybe I should stop the drinking whilst I'm sick? but of course it is the coldest winter on record here in Sydney and I have to keep on drinking in order to keep my body alive... right?

note: Alcoholics can justify anything

I better go get my schedules and timetables.

Does anyone want to go see some comedians tonight?

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Is it a Bird? Is It a Plane? No it's Super Brother!!!

I needed a hug today and as soon as I get home my brother is on my doorstep with one for me, I'm so lucky to have a brother like him.

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I shaved my armpits for this?

Earlier this week I had an audition for a commercial for one of those multi-national weight loss conglomerates and yesterday I found out I got the part of the 'fat girl who walks along the beach in her bathers' which was fine, I have modelled in a lot less clothing before so wearing a swimsuit would be absolutely fine...

except

It's winter, the shoot was at seven am this morning and did I mention it was winter?

Anyways look out for my cellulite on a television near you (if you happen to be in Australia or NZ) in the upcoming months

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soothe

Music will soothe the savage beast. I needs to dance

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Just what I need

Yay, 'In the Company of Men' is on television, whenever I watch it, it reinforces that belief I have that men are arseholes.

Now I'm off to break some balls

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Stupidity: Version 1247

I just got me a big order of t-shirts on threadless granted half the order is for Deryn, but when it comes to novelty t-shirts I'm easily swayed.

Anyways paying rent in full and on time is for suckahs!

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I had the oddest dream last night, I was sitting at a table talking about my engagement ring (apparently I was engaged) everyone was gushing over it, but when i looked at it it was a shard of china (ceramic not he country) suspended on a piece of wire, and I was eating Larabars (they are these delicious organic food bars you can only get in the U.S and no mention was made of my alleged fiancée, but I was all excited about the zombie theme for my wedding.

I'm blogging this because I have nothing really to say today, and it's an odd dream for me and I keep on thinking about it, and also I so want a Larabar right now

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What Ifs

I daydream far too much.

And of late they have been becoming far too elaborate, my life is full of far too many 'What ifs' I spent all shift thinking about how bad or unfortunate my timing is.

I need to focus, new semester soon, Splendour in the Grass soon, hot and sexy man with millions of dollars and low standards moving next door soon.

Wait. reality. deep breath. focus Kimberly

The Kimberly of Yore

I used to be worse, I used to be a lot louder, I used to be aggressive, I used to be much more demanding, I was scathing with my insults and I got away with it all.

I don't know what happened but slowly I became nicer, friendlier, I smiled more often and now I look at myself and the way people are treating me and I'm getting walked all over, OK I just feel like this today, but I have a feeling I will feel the same tomorrow. And OK I have probably been encouraging this behaviour.

Maybe I should start getting back to the old Kimberly who was loud, arrogant who stomped her feet and got her own way, I need things to start going my way.

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Lessons Learned while on my two week holiday from reality. a.k.a Bedridden and when not bedridden overcompensating with partying

1) I'm still hot
2) That I will never ever fear being attracted to any of my darling friend Boo's beaux as they are all an 'acquired' taste (I say this Boo as you my darling are the only person who reads this and you already know what I think about your taste in boys and I just want it on record)
3) Even though I'm very easy to get drunk, It's very hard to actually get me to passed out and date rapeable much to to the dismay of Taxi drivers at 6:30am.
4) I'm still hot
5) I gravitate to the computer a lot when I'm out of it (I suppose it's the modern day equivalent of being a loud opinionated drunk instead I drink and blog)
6) I need to find a partner or a maid at least, I'm pathetic while sick and my flat is a testament to that.
7) I am still in awe of the the magic of quality make-up when it's applied by a professional (a.k.a me) it can hide so many flaws caused by sins.

why?

why is it that only taxi drivers at six am find me attractive?

I swear no one else does.

If i HA==D GTHE MJKONEY i
D BE AN ALCOHO9LIC, ACTUALLYY IF I HNAD YTHER MOHEUUY I'SD BE A CRACK HEAKD==D BUT u DIN'T SO i'M STUCK WITH ALCOHOL MMMM BOOZE, '

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Welcome Back!

On Wednesday I won tickets to a show, I got drunk beyond belief and I haven't left bed since (except for meals).

Now I'm out of bed, and back to reality.

Did you miss me?

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I'm not dumb, I just look that way

OK so I don't think I'm that smart, but I did this all by myself and I'm sick to boot, I'm happy my brain isn't melting yet, you should give it a go it's a good way to waste five maybe ten minutes, and it makes you slightly more well versed on what's going on in the Middle East without actually reading any of those boring news articles.

It hurts to live.

It hurts to live....

I'm really quite sick and my body is now getting all ouchy, and one of the main foods I have been existing on is my own phlegm.

Still having my delirious marriage fantasies, are there any takers? I'm a cheap date, I can survive on my own phlegm... now how about a kiss?

And because I am one some stupid unprocessed wheat-free, sugar-free, caffeine-free flavour-free diet I have no fun sick people food to eat like ice cream and peanut butter and snickers bars, Or my favourite my fathers magic brown drink, it contained lemon juice, honey, lemon zest, aspirin, scotch or brandy and topped with boiling water it was the bestest and I never can get the ratios right (I suspect Father kept the alcohol content quite high in order to keep us drunk and not complaining about having a cold) but I don't have any scotch in the house, and I can't speak so I can't even call mother to pick some up and she doesn't know how to read text messages. GAH!

Father used to also check the progress of our colds by making us smell the vanilla essence bottle if we couldn't smell the vanilla we were still sick, and when our eyes were watering because inhaled vanilla and alcohol into our sinuses we were obviously better, in really bad pain, but healthier.

Ooh I forgot I think the bottle shop delivers (Marrickville Rocks!), can you drink alcohol with cold and flu tablets?

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