I spent $20 and all I got was this lousy blog entry

I was changing buses in Sydney’s CBD walking to where I would catch my bus home and listening to my Mp3 player and marvelling at the intricacies of “The Avalanches”  I was a ‘strolling and looking forward to getting home and ploughing into the red wine and takeaway and watching the cable t.v as I was walking a man passing by looked at me strolled past and then backtracked and tapped me on the shoulder, he gestured for me to take my earphones out which I did and then declared “You are a very happy lady! You have two men in love with you and so you are very happy because you will always have two men in love with you!”

I nodded politely (as I only know of one man in love with me and often the number one can be mixed up with the number two) and said thankyou and tried to walk past him, he then tapped me on the shoulder again and declared “I will tell you your fortune, I will tell you everything about your mother and your brother and I will tell you your name and your birth date if I guess these you will stay and if I guess these You will give me some money, and so I thought fuck it why not? If this man can guess my name and my birthday he can get some money so he asked me to write down how much I would give him and I thought I'll be generous because I like street magicians and would write down $20 and then he gave me another piece of paper and a pen and asked me to write down my name and date of birth on a piece of paper and he walked ten metres up the street and wrote what he thought my date of birth was on another piece of paper thinking now that I was about to be mugged or havee my handbag rummaged through I decided at this point to wedge it firmly between my thighs (nobody would ever get tit there) and then he returned to me and made me crush my piece of paper into a ball and chant something to the universe, then he says my name he goes "your name is Kimberly (he mispronounced it as though he has never heard of a Kimberly before) and you were born on the three of the three nineteen eighty-nine" I looked at him and said "aww so close" and then he decided to argue and kept on saying "1989" and saying that was the answer then he opens up his piece of paper he is holding and says '1989" and grabs at my hand and make me show my piece of paper and goes "no wonder! you are messy girl you write messy! you think messy why two men in love with you is mystery!"

I'm standing here it's starting to to get windy it would be 8pm at night and I am straddling my bloody handbag going "what the fuck is going on?" I'm not much of a believer in anything but It was a good show so I went into my handbag to give him the money and leave and then he goes "stop I havent' told you your fortune yet, you'll pay after I tell you everything" so umm ok, and so I stood there freezing on the side of castlereagh st (it's one of the main streets in Sydney's CBD ) whilst a bunch of bemused bystanders waiting for the bus I should've  been waiting for are watching this man read some fat chick with an afro's palms, then he makes me tear up a piece of paper hold it in my hand chant some more and then I open my hand and it's one bloody piece! the bus stop people are now gawking at a free show courtesy of me and I'm trying to catch snippets of what he's saying about money and my mother.

Things apparently in my future;

• I will live to be in my eighties (thanks modern medicine!)

• I will have two children (pretty generic answer there but I suppose if I'm stupid enough to get pregnant once (and decide not to sell it) Ill be stupid enough to get pregnant twice
  
• The two guys in love with me thing; interesting as I barely have one guy in love with me at the moment and that is really dependant entirely on what I cook for dinner. He reveals little else except that my current beau is one of them and the other one doesn't know it (hmm yes I know)
  
• I will become rich successful in my chosen field; apparently I will make people feel better about themselves (I'm thinking I will make my fortune from hiring myself out as the loud, fat, ugly friend who makes the hirer look better by comparison)
• He actually went into detail about my financial woes and actually mentioned several times the main culprit which was a little freaky.
  
• I am apparently obsessed with sex (ok this one isn't much of a secret but he whispered it to me and said "you... you like the sex alot, it's not a bad thing but be careful not alot can keep up with you)

After telling me all of this and then doing some more hand tricks and showing me some laminated cards of his psychic teacher and bits and pieces from his porta-psychic kit he told me I should read the bible every day, I asked him if he meant the 'Christian' bible and he confirmed I should read the 'Christian' Bible I asked him then if he was a Christian, he babbled on and didn't answer my question he then asked if he wanted him to pray for me, and I said something like "If you feel like it go ahead" and then he pulls out another piece of paper and starts writing

"Rich people pay" and he writes $500 on a piece of paper
"normal People pay" and he writes  $300 on the paper
"and poor people pay this" and he writes $200

I start laughing at him, I explain to him that I am beyond poor, I remind him that for the last ten minutes he has mentioned to me how poor I am and that I would not come into money in a very long time, I then tell him that because he is going to take money off me I will be even poorer, he then goes "ok so I can't pray for you then"  and then I said guess not and gave him his money well most of it as I thought I had a $20 note but I only had a $10 and I dumped a wallet full of shrapnel in his portable psychic kitthen he said "but if I pray for you it will come true and you will be forever lucky" I told him sorry and said goodbye

On the way home

• I had to wait 20 inutes in the cold for a bus that is usually every five minutes.
• The bus was held up for another ten minutes halfway through the route as the bus driver had to change buses with another bus driver who was late
• I went to the local supermarket to get some dinner groceries and at the checkout the register had broken mid transaction so they made me wait there for ten minutes... just so they could give me a printed reciept 
• one of the bottles of wine I got on the way home I dropped on the road and no it didn't break, it rolled into the gutter instead